Monthly Archives: November 2015

Tide (-14.5) @ Tigers

The good news about this rivalry is that every year some waste-of-space Alabama redneck dies after the game.  Usually in a domestic dispute.  “Row Tie, Billy Ray!”.  “Awww hay-ill naw, Woa Eega, Shar’n Jean!!!”

Then, somebody gets stabbed with a garden spade.  Aaaand Splat!  One less extra-chromosomed ‘Bama mutant to draw a government check.  The kind of people cousin Emmett rolls with.

There’s less love in this rivalry than between Smokes and Da KIDD.  These universities (and I use that term loosely) have more mascots between them than Rhodes Scholars.  Tide, elephants, tigers, eagles.

I hate double-mascots, too.  You’re The Tide but you’re an elephant?  That’s like Smokes.  You smoke cigars but you like to pick out floral patterned place settings?  Pick a mascot, Alabama peeps.  And pick a gender, Smokes.

Da KIDD has seen his share of Iron Bowls through the years.  This game often has little to do with talent, much like Smokes’ picks and posts.  This game is about Phyllis from Mulga and Harvey Updike, Jr.

You know, that bumblef*ck who poisoned the trees in Toomer’s Corner, called into Finebaum to admit it, and got sentenced to 3 years on an agricultural damage charge.  An agri-damage charge??  Does that make him a boll-wevil??  That’s the kind of morons that support these teams.

Updike is an avid reader and contributor to Smokes’ column by the way.  He comments under the alias “Big purple units up my a** weren’t worth killing those trees over.”  Live and learn, Harv.

Da KIDD has lived and learned, and Da KIDD knows that Kristy Malzahn’s husband has his best game plan of the year installed for the little midget’s defense.  Auburn has athletes, too.  They WILL cover, and Da KIDD is telling you to get a little on the Eagles, er, Tigers straight up in this one.  Auburn 30  Row Tie 27

Indiana (-7.5) at Purdue

Why is this even on the board you ask? Because they’ve played every year for The Old Oaken Bucket since 1891.  You know, back when people died regularly of scurvy.

Is there a worse rivalry in college football??  Hendrix and Millsaps maybe?  No.  This is the worst “rivalry” in CFB.  Unless that little f*k’in bucket is filled with that Manhattan concoction that Smokes makes and it’s been aging in there since 1891, they should use that pail for kindling, make some s’mores, and quit playing football.

The Hoosiers are better, and they’ll take the meaningless bucket home and all 17 fans will talk smack on Monday about how their great great granddaddy once touched the little oak piece of sh*t shrine.  Hoosiers 41  Boilermakers 31.  But who cares?  Gamblers.  That’s who.

Iron Bowl

Sabes versus Gus. Back to Jerdin-Hare, scene of the most improbable loss in Alabama history. Dude returns a missed field goal 109 yards for a touch as time expired.

Sabes is still bent over that loss. He is looking to blow Auburn off the map. He hates having to pay respect to Gus. As far as Sabes is concerned, Gus belongs in the FCS. The fact that his record against Sabes is really good infuriates Nick.

An ESPN Outside The Lines report suggested that after last year’s victory, ‘Bama boosters hatched a plan to get Kristi Malzahn to stop taking her meds this fall. If their calculations are correct, she’ll be in a full blown manic state and wreaking havoc by the week of the Iron Bowl. With Kristi going cookoo, Gus will no doubt be distracted.

It looks like their plan is working even better than they thought. It’s been a rough year for Gus on and off the field. No wins, means no waffles. When Kristi don’t get waffles, she ain’t her normal lovely self.

She complained recently that she gets lonely during football season. When asked, Gus said, “that’s what Craigslist is for…right?”

Distracted or not, Gus is very focused and intent on winning this game. They’re 14.5 point dogs, but crazier things can happen. Like the time Kristi showed up a church…and didn’t say a word!!!

Lil Nicky on the other hand is more nervous than a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. He is willing to do whatever it takes to get a ‘W.” Even calling Les Miles for some advice.

Speaking of Lester, looks like he may be done down on the bayou. Leave it to that bunch of illiterate inbreds @ LSU to dump one of the greatest coaches in their history. What these varmint f*kin morons seem to have forgotten is just how historically bad their program was before Saban and Miles took the reins.

Smokes hopes they pony up the 15 mil and buy him out. I am pretty sick of having to discuss them anyway. Plus, their fans can go back to wading in ditches looking for something to mount.

Les told Nick, “you just gotta chill Nicky…relax and let your athletes do what athletes do.” After hanging up, Saban reminded himself, Les is a f*kin idiot.

Campus police were summoned to Nick’s office early Friday morning to deal with a serious case of vandalism by some Auburn frat boys. Sabes was shocked when he flipped on the lights and saw his prized poster of American hero and icon, Bruce Jenner, from the 1976 Olympics:

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Had been replaced with:

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You see, Bruce Jenner is one of Nicky’s heros. The weird part of all this Bruce to Kaitlyn business, is that Nick is still attracted to him…her. It’s all so confusing. How do you go from being a really good looking dude, to one of the ugliest pseudo-women in the world. Bruce “Kaitlyn” Jenner is so ugly, he/she couldn’t get raped in life-block of a max-security prison that houses rapists!!!

A Tide loss would most likely doom the SEC’s chance at a playoff team. And, it looks like ‘Bama DC Kirby Smart is one of the leading candidates to take over for the OBC @ South Carolina. He’s looking to get out from under the shadow of Saban. Could this bit of distraction be enough to open the door for Auburn?

I don’t think so. ‘Bama is on a mission. Lane Kiffin, aka Joey Freshwater, snuck in to Knoxville just to play stuff the turkey with a couple of Volunteers. Lane likes bangin hoes more than the Kidd likes chicks with daddy issues.

So, the Kidd gets his Christmas wish early and the Tide roll in to the SEC Championship with a win on the plains. Big Al 31 War Eagle 17.

 

Urb v Chinos

This is the Big10 game we’ve all been waiting for, Urb v Chinos. Most predicted it would be a couple of years before Jim had the Wolverines ready to compete with the likes of Ohio State.

Not Smokes of course, we’ve been friends since meeting in Chicago when the Bears drafted him in ’87. I was up there helping a kid named Jordan work on his fade-away. Anyway, Jim is one driven cat that only wants to win. Beating Urb is more important to him right now than a Black Friday sale on brazzieres is to a 42 year old, 300 pound woman driving a handicapable cart @ Wal-Mart.

Speaking of Walmart, Sarah Harbaugh showed some mad skills in snagging some serious deals on Jimmy’s chinos at Black Friday. Little known fact, when Jim and Sarah “wrestle,” he likes to play drop the soap in the shower, while she wears his helmet and mouthguard. Homoerotic tendencies aside, she’s great for my man.

Meanwhile, over in Columbus, it’s been a rough week for the Buckeyes. First, Zeke Elliott calls out the coaches. Then, Herbstreit unlikes their Facebook page. Now, they gotta play that team up north. Urb’s stress level is so high, he is considering taking a leave of absence again. That cat quits more often than a frustrated toddler who can’t get the cookie jar open.

The Kidd & I are not big fans of the Urb. The dude is steeped in smugness. Love to see Harbaugh chest bump his a** after beating them down.

Urb has been recruiting “character” guys. Under the vest, they were sneaking tattoos. Under Urb, they’re sneaking KIAs. I’ve never liked State, but, they’ve got talent. And if they win out, odds are they will make the playoffs. I’d rather listen to the Kidd talk about his colonoscopy than be subjected to Urb & the Buckeyes in the playoffs…again.

However, I’ve got a bad feeling about this one. Sorta like being a junior high student getting a collect call from Jared Fogle. It’ll be close but the Buckeyes steal one in the Big House, 27-26.

Alter Boys v Cardinal

Here we go again…Notre Dame is lurking just outside the top 4, hoping to sneak in to the playoffs. Their statement game was a loss to Clemson. What??? Only with a bunch of Democrats or the Kidd is a loss somehow touted as a victory.

Back in the day, Notre Dame had its pick of any good Catholic athlete. But then, they started letting black guys play and being THE Catholic school lost out to being A Southern school. To say Notre Dame is predominantly white is like saying Trump brags a little.

For some reason, erebody is giving the Cardinal a lot of respect, even with 2 losses. In fact, they are the highest ranked 2 loss team. Seriously??? It’s a setup.

The powers that be still want the Irish to be in the playoffs after all these years. So, if ND beats Stanford on the road, they’re in, mark my words.

Of course, the Pope visited the US earlier this year. My contacts in the Vatican tell me that the Pontiff met with Jeff Long and received assurances that the Irish will be given preferential treatment. Sorta like a Boy Scout applying to be an alterboy.

However, it’ll take more than the luck of the Irish to win in Palo Alto. While they are researching cures for disease and funneling coeds to all the tech startups for their Coke infused parties, the Cardinal are also a pretty good team.

Not SEC good, more Pac12 & ACC good. The drag queens will be out in force picking up drunk frat boys after the game. According to the Kidd, nothing like waking up from a freakfest only to discover you were violated with actual equipment & not just a strap-on.

GETTIN it “on the down low” notwithstanding, I got the Irish losing a close one. Stanford 24 ND 21.

Palo-Altoers vs. Pop-blowers

Jesus can’t catch a break.  2000 years ago, err’body was against him. This weekend, Touchdown Jesus faces the same hoards of people pulling for his demise.

Aside from those in the city limits of South Bend and a few Mackerel Snappers across the country, no one else outside of the Vatican and a few rough areas of Northern Ireland gives twoshitsabout seeing Notre Dame in the Playoffs.

Why?  Maybe it’s that f*kin’ gay-ass Leprechaun. Maybe it’s getting the Golden Domers shoved down our throats by that Regis f*k’ng Philbin. Maybe it’s Kelly Tripucka hitting on my woman that night at The Sands.

The last time The Irish snuck in the national championship game, they were sent packing for home with elephant peanuts falling out of their gaping arse.

Their chances to beat The Tide that day were as real as Manti-Te’o’s woman.  I may have cried during “Rudy”, but The Kidd ain’t a fan of Notre Dame.

Notre Dame University has produced one good thing. “Norm!”. Yes, actor George Wendt is an alum of Touchdown Jesus. But, even he turned out to be a drunk at a bar on a series that ended 15 years ago. Other than figuring out how to make green beer for St. Paddy’s Day, not much useful has come out of that awful place besides Norm.

This year they’re trying to sell us on close wins versus Temple, Boston College, and Georgia Tech as being great feats. Hell, Rudy Ruettiger’s midget ass could’ve played quarterback and won those games.

My protege, Bumblef*ck has even bought into the fools pot of gold that little Leprechaun bastard is selling when he put them in his top 4 this week.

Part of me hopes they actually do make it to the playoff and get to face that elephant again. He ain’t using lube this time. The good news is that they’re finally playing a real football team.

Aside from making the new iPhone7 and curing Type 4 prostate cancer in rhinos, the geniuses at Stanford can play some big boy football. The product of Mark Moreno and Tiger Wood’s tryst, David Shaw has built a helluva football power at an Ivy League school.

Imagining power football on the West Coast is like imagining Smokes with the right color dress shoes. But, Stanford has done it. They are physical, and they will beat The Irish into confessional.

Their aren’t enough Hail Mary’s available to save the boys from The Bend in this one. The KIDD is calling for a Fighting Irish beatdown just south of bejesus.

The Stanford kids are looking to be respected for more than just their smarts. “Hellooooo!!! My c*ck is down HERE! Quit staring at my brain!” I like this game a lot. Mother Theresa is over in Myanmar and can’t help save you, Brian Kelly. Stanford 44  Irish 20.

Arkansas v Misery

There’s more trouble in Columbia than in a Mexican border town. The inmates are truly running the asylum. It started with Michael Sam, who preferred getting a sack across the nose to getting sacks between the lines. Sam is obviously gayer than Anderson Cooper. For him, the locker room experience was Xanadu. He loves wood more than an Oregonian lumberjack.

Then, you got some cat on a hunger strike to protest racial issues on campus. Hunger strike??? Hey the Mahatma called, he wants his move back. The football team threatens to boycott their game against BYU in support of the protesting students.

Who cares??? This is a bad football team wanting to get out of practice. If someone chooses to starve himself in protest of anything, f*k ’em. If they ain’t forcin’ em not to eat, not gonna force ’em to eat.

Truth is, he wasn’t on a hunger strike, he was just attempting to make weight as a model with Casablanca. Everybody knows skipping meals is a great way to lose pounds before a show.

Bielema added his support to the hunger strike by eating what he hopes is Jonathan Butler’s portion. Congrats to the protestors, they got the President canned. Bet there life is sooooo much better now. Leave it to a bunch of liberal college idiots to think that getting another person fired will somehow help them.

Then, Pinkel decides to retire for “health” reasons. Basically, who wants to coach a bunch of sycophants who’d rather do a sit in than do sit-ups. When asked about the social activism @ Mizzou, Jen Bielema demonstrated her social responsibility by publicly sharing all her recent Instagram bikini photos!!!

Temps gonna be in the low 40s @ kickoff with a high chance of rain. When Brett asked Jen if she’s planning to take her muff for warmth, she said, “of course, it’s better to have warm hands than clean hands.” Jen’s a lovely girl, but not the sharpest knife in the block.

Brett is very frustrated following last week’s loss to the Bulldogs. After hanging 50, they still lose the game. More importantly, Jen wouldn’t allow him in the bedroom this week. The great news for Bert is this is not only a short week but also a huge food holiday. Instead of plowing thru Jen, he’s gonna be guzzling giblet gravy. Regardless, I got the Hogs rebounding a winning easily, 34-13.

Meth-souri @ Arkansas (-14)

The field in Fayetteville looks to be exactly as that ass-bandit, Michael Sam likes his bungholes.  Wet and sloppy.

When did Missouri become the center of the liberal universe anyways?  First it was that donut-puncher, Sam.  Now we’ve got football players threatening to not play over something the school president did or didn’t do?!

Football players aren’t students anyway.  WTF do they care about social college politics?!  Geezum crow.  That whole uproar when the turd-burglar declared for the NFL would’ve been at least somewhat relevant had he made an NFL roster.

Instead, that bum chum is doing interviews for Details magazine (Smokes subscribes and told me), drinking champagne coolies, and chain smoking c*cks with more fervor than Smokes does Olivas.

You’ve had your 15 minutes, Michael Sam.  And your 15-mule bukkake experience.  Now blow me.  Pigs love slop, and Alex Collins should dominate behind that big O-line in what should be a low scoring game.

Da Kidd actually likes the under 44 in this one more than the spread.  Take the under and avoid the spread.  Hogs 24 Michael Sam’s weiner 13.

Trojans v Bruins

Any time we talk about these two teams, the Kidd always wants to tell the story of how he hooked up with these cheerleaders @ the Cotton Bowl.

Truth is, he just waved at the cheerleaders from the the 58th row in the south end zone. But, I let him tell his stories and pretend he was rollin’ dirty.

This is a fun game to discuss. It’s SoCal, it’s the beach, it’s hot cheerleaders in tight sweaters. What it’s not is football!!!

SC has lost a lot of luster in the last few years. You got Pete Carroll jumping ship just ahead of major sanctions to become “da man” in Seattle, leading them to 2 SuperBowls, winning one.

The annals of history are full of scoundrels who parlayed cheating and other illegal behavior in to power, prestige and legitimacy. You know, like the Kennedy’s.

But, Pete left the program in shambles. Enter Lane Kiffin aka Joey Freshwater. Kiff bolted Knoxville faster than Ted Kennedy bolted the scene in Chappaquiddick.

Lane, whose personal style could only be described as both offensive and arrogant, began to replenish the talent @ SC only to be canned in the middle of the season on the tarmac @ 4 in the morning.

The last time a dude got done that bad was when the Kidd was in to his bookie for 500 large and offered to work it off on his back!!!

Then SC Athletic Director Pat Haden calls another Pete Carroll protege, Steve Sarkisian, to take over the program. Problem is, Sark’s never met a drink he doesn’t like. Sark likes to drink more than pregnant, trailer park whores like to smoke.

I met a young Sark out in Provo, when I was advising a group of Mormon elders on how to convince multiple women it was good idea to marry one guy. He was a good kid with bad breath. I could see in his eye that he was dancing with the demon of booze.

I offered to show him the technique I used to help Terry Bradshaw kick the bottle and ultimately win 4 Super Bowls. But, he rejected my offer and the rest they say, is history.

Across town, Jim Mora has underachieved this year like a belly dancer who’s constipated. But, he is a better coach and his guys should be ready to play.

It’ll take more than Shelley Smith and Jake Olson surviving cancer to motivate the Trojans to win this game.

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Just like the trojan condoms have a 97.45% chance of working when applied properly, the USC Trojans have a 97.45% chance of losing this game.

I’ve got the Bruins 35 Trojans 27.

UCLA @ USC (-3.5)

Have you seen the cheerleaders these two establishments produce every year? Talk about D-1, blue chip talent.

The Kidd was on a high school trip to the Cotton Bowl in ’89. I had a lot of action I needed to layoff with a local bookie named Weinstein, so we met at The Galleria.  A close friend that we’ll call “Fish” went with me.

We met the UCLA cheerleading squad outside of Victoria’s Secret. Ironic? Hardly.  Anyway, we acquainted ourselves with these two hunnies and spent all afternoon with them.

We missed the group ride back to the hotel and had to hitch a ride with the UCLA cheerleading bus. It is a day forever emblazoned in The Kidd’s spank-bank for sure.

And those USC Belle’s?  Man, don’t get me started. They show up occasionally at Mandalay Bay, and it always ends the same way for The Kidd. Credit cards maxxed and doing shots on the roller coaster at Paris, followed by breakfast at noon the next day trying to get über to come pick their asses up.

It usually costs me a full day of betting horses…but, those are some fine fillies…so in the end, it’s worth it!!!

On to the game.  A buddy of mine over at Caesar’s named Jizzy Mac (Long story on that nickname. Let’s just say it involved a hooker and some Kraft Mac and Cheese), saw USC’s opening day coach, Sark, swimming in the fountain in front of Caesar’s the other day with a mask and flippers stealing quarters out of it.

He didn’t need the money, he just wanted to play a game of quarters.  How the mighty have fallen.  The Kidd remembers a time when hearing the letters “USC” struck fear in the hearts of opposing football teams.

Nowadays, when someone refers to the “Trojans,” I think of that dressing room at the Galleria with those Bruin cheerleaders. USC has a ton of talent, but they have been reeling since their coach turned into Count Drunkula.

UCLA is still trying to get over the hump that Jim Mora’s kid promised when they gave him that big extension. Word is, Sark reached out to Mora with these words of advice, “Hey, Junior, relax. Have a tequila. Or, EIGHT. It’s nearly noon. Can’t be drunk by 2:00, if you don’t start drinking now.” Sage advice from the Sark!

Listen, the game’s at The Coliseum, and SC has that cat Su’a Cravens ball hawking the secondary like some of the great Trojan d-backs of decades past, but my boys in Vegas are giving The Bruins a field goal and a half, and I’ll take that all day long.

Big bet here. Get a pay-day advance. If you use Fiona’s place down on Tropicana, tell her The Kidd sent you and she’ll give you a key chain. But, be careful to not to look her in the eyes, or she’ll drag you to the back and give you something that will take a strong antibiotic to cure and will cost you your girlfriend and your dignity for a month…or, so I’ve heard.  UCLA 29  USC 25.