Monthly Archives: December 2015

Bama v Sparty

This is setting up to be Bama’s year. Sabes has pushed all the right buttons and he has the Tide primed to secure another Natty, which will cement him as the greatest coach in college football history. Derrick Henry becomes the 2nd Heisman winner in Bama’s storied history.

An anonymous caller to the Paul Finebaum show reported seeing Lane Kiffin aka Joey Freshwater at the Palamino Club on Harry Hines Blvd in Dallas on a “recruiting” visit.

And as luck would have it, they get to play Michigan State. MSU is the poor mans Alabama. It took a lucky muffed punt for them to beat Michigan and squeaked out a win versus Iowa.

If Da Kidd wasn’t chasing skirt this New Years Eve, he’d be singing the praises of the Crimson Tide. He’d probably tell you about the time he lost his virginity to Big Al, the Bama mascot.

Why??? Cuz it’s the greatest accomplishment of his life so far. He still screams “roll tide” every time he drops a deuce.

So this game is about as interesting as watching Kaitlyn Jenner remove his/her bra. It’s another chalk pick for Smokes. I got Bama pulling away late 31-17.

Dabo v Big Game Bob

After being left out of the party last year, the Big12 gets their only power program, Oklahoma University, in the playoffs due to no other viable option.Their run thru perennially weak foes like Baylor, TCU & Okie State is sorta like Adele rolling thru a backstage buffet.

In fact, when tickets went on sale for her world tour, shares of the Golden Coral Corporation spiked due to the expected rise in sales. Adele loves a good buffet like Big Game Bob loves to lose big games.

Many of the pundits are proclaiming the Sooners as the best team in the land and they haven’t even beaten anyone yet. With a Texas Tech reject @ QB, the Sooners have bounced back from the beat down administered by the Longhorns in Dallas and feel they are ready to compete for another Natty.

On the other sideline, Dabo Sweeney has finally gotten his Tigers outta Death Valley and into the national spotlight. Not since the whole confederate flag flying over the state Capitol situation has South Carolina gotten this much positive press.

Word outta Washington is that SC Senator Lindsey Graham believes that a Clemson win would indicate that Hell has indeed frozen over and that he has a chance to actually win the presidency.

The Tiger faithful hasn’t been this geeked since Danny Ford was growling on the sideline and securing Clemson’s only national championship. Clemson will pack more racist bigots into Sun Life Stadium than pledge Sigma Alpha Epsilon in Norman each fall.

Last year, Clemson treated the Sooners like a freshman on a HS basketball team in East Tennessee, they took a broomstick to their a**. But in the end, I’m going with Nate Silver in this one. Clemson goes all…Clemson and chokes, reminding us why Dabo is Dabo. I got the Sooner 38 Tigers 34.

Aggies v Cardinals

For many, like Da Kidd, this is an intriguing matchup of offensive geniuses. For Smokes, this is a contest of overrated coaches with overblown egos.

There’s no doubt Lville coach Bob Petrino can scheme with the best of them. But his insistence that defense is a necessary evil that is to be shunned will forever keep him as a second tier coach. He’s as comfortable around defense as he looked in that neck brace he was sporting at his presser after plowing his intern & wrecking his bike. 

 Now he is back home in Louisville where he plays second fiddle to the real master Rick Pitino. Between Ricky nailing waitresses at IHOP & running a prostitution ring for recruits and Bobby blowing up chick’s phones on GameDay, the Pitino/Petrino tandem keeps the UL Campus Police SVU unit on their toes. 
Louisville is a basketball school and always will be. It’s the perfect place for a malcontent like Petrino. He can win 9-10 games a year and they’ll love him forever. 

Texas A&M on the other hand is not really even a school. It’s a place for kids who aren’t smart enough to go straight to military service but want to act like they are. They dress in militaryesque uni’s, they march around and they chant. Texas A&M is like that kid that’s the product of incest that everyone ignores because the parents are still married to their cousins. 

Their HC, Kevin Sumlin, is as I’ll-prepared to win in the SEC as a volleyball playing intern is to thwart Petrinos advances. After dropping $450mil on their new facilities, the administration realized that he was in way over his head. 

Of course, shallow thinkers like Da Kidd believe that top rated recruiting classes are the key to winning. It’s not the most important by a long shot (see Texas A&M & Ole Miss). 

Regardless, this is a meaningless games with meaningless programs. Even though Petrino is the better coach, I think Summy gets the better and pulls out a close one Aggies 34 Cardinals 31.

Texas A&M v Louisville

There’s more dysfunction in College Station than a KKK chapter that just discovered their grand dragon had a colored boy in his lineage.  It’s panda-lerium in Aggieland, and unless that word is used to describe a redneck Christmas, that’s not a good thing.  They’ve got white kids leavin, black kids leavin, hell, even Reveille was caught bangin a half-breed mutt after curfew over in Bryan, TX last weekend.

It’s a real sh*tstorm.  Is anyone really surprised by all this?  Hellooooo??!!  They don’t call ’em Aggie jokes for nuthin’ folks.  Yours truly actually thought A&M moving to the SEC West was the perfect scenario in propelling Texas A&M to a perennial college football power.

Well, yours truly underestimated the clusterf*cking power of an Aggie.  Kevin Sumlin has survived the gallows for the time being, but when you lose TWO 5-star quarterbacks in less than a week, it’s a pretty good sign that you suck as a coach.  Da KIDD is going to continue to enjoy watching the Aggies be Aggies.

On the other sideline, Bobby Petrino’s career has slithered its way back to relevance.  From head coach at Louisville, to a volleyball players skunk bunker, to a ditch in Farmington, AR, to Western Kentucky, back to the head coach at Louisville.  Wow! Bobby Petrino is Rasputin.  You can’t kill him.

He’s made it back from his exile in the Republic of Labia to being a 4 point favorite over the Faggies.  After starting 0-3, his Cardinals have won 7 of 9 including a field goal loss to the undefeated and #1 ranked Clemson Tigers.

Most of that mid-season success is due to the emergence of dual-threat quarterback, Lamar Jackson.  At 6’3″, this cat can run.  The most difficult thing to defend in college football (aside from a Louisville female volleyball player’s fish mitten) is a mobile QB.  And Jackson is looking very comfortable running the Petrino offense.

A&M has the best defensive player in the country not named Reggie Ragland in Myles Garrett, but Petrino didn’t escape some grad-assistant’s cockpit to pilot the Cardinals without knowing how to scheme around one great player.  Myles will have his moments, but Da KIDD expects Louisville to not only win this one, but to ultimately throttle the Aggies.  As in a Jessica Dorrell throttling.

Expect a contract extension for Petrino right after the game, while he celebrates in some poor co-ed’s slot pocket.  Louisville 51 Texas A&M 20.

Army +21.5 vs. Navy

“The only game where everyone playing is willing to die for everyone watching.”  Yeah, Da KIDD just dropped that one on you.

Back in the day, yours truly applied to the Academy.  Made it all the way to the psych-eval where I heard, “you have a glorious lack of respect for, and a tremendous inability to submit to authority.” Da KIDD’s response?  “Yeah, why don’t you go and f*k yourself with that bayonet.” 

Needless to say, Da KIDD took another path.  All hard feelings between the academies and KIDD were swept under the rug after Navy took a knee at the goal line to keep the total under 51 1/2 points a few years back.  Here’s to sportsmanship and to a 4-game parlay that paid 20-1.

On to the game.  I’ve got this Uncle…let’s call him, “Uncle Joe”.  He may or may not be related to Cousin Emmet.  Ok, he’s his pops. “Joe” is an old bastard now.  He uses a walker and a piss bag to get the mail every morning.

Uncle Joe was a Navy man.  Back in the day, Uncle Joe could also chase tail with the best of ’em.  We’re talkin’ a poon hound of the lowest order.  As he was loosely affiliated with the healthcare field, I’ve seen that man chase more nurse skirts than Dr. McDreamy did on Grey’s Anatomy.

Uncle Joe was a believer in the constitution and showed that by being an equal opportunist when it came to skanks.  White, black, obese, crack-whore, lice-infested, syphillis harboring–you name it.  Joe would attempt to mount it.  Occasionally, he apparently succeeded.  He did sire Cousin Emmet, afterall.

Although dishonorably discharged, he never would talk about the facts surrounding his removal from his station post in Manila, but I’ve heard rumors from family members it involved a Spitting Monocled Cobra and a gay prostitute.

Ole Joe has never let that misunderstanding keep him from supporting the Blue and Gold.  I can still hear him say, “Blue for the ocean!  Gold for valor!  Now grab me a cold one kid, and turn it back to that Nat Geo so I can look at those Pygmy boobies again.”

Because of Uncle Joe, Da Kidd has to pick against Navy in this one.  Uncle Joe never did sh*t for me, so I’m not picking his Midshipmen.  As the Marines always tell the Navy boys, “Yeah, whenever there’s a skirmish overseas, we appreciate you boys giving us a ride to go and fight.”  My sentiments exactly.

This game is a true rivalry.  Now, not of the Alabama/Auburn or Ohio State/Michigan ilk, but, you know, the “lets pretend this is a rivalry so we can honor Pat Tillman for the 27th time” kind of rivalry.

Navy is more talented and better coached.  They should win this game by a margin greater than the Halls of Montezuma.  But there’s just something special Da Kidd is feeling about Army in this one.  I’m calling The Cadets to score a late TD and get a back door cover.

Speaking of back door, I met this chick at Mandalay Bay the other night.  More on that later..  These colors don’t run.

Navy 35 Army 14

Army v Navy

Every year, a week after the real college football regular season is over, we are treated to the Army/Navy football game. Not since Da Kidd’s biological father

 was cruising the Stardust on the Strip has this game been relevant.

The service academies have been turning out the best military bureaucrats for more than a century. I have great respect for our military. But, it’s been a long time since the best and brightest served.

In this game, Navy is once again the overwhelming favorite. Sorta like the buffet @ an Adele video shoot.

Navy QB Keenan Reynolds is one of the top rushing QBs in the history of college football. Army on the other hand has no one I’ve ever heard of. Army has taken no name to a whole new level.

The game will be played in Philadelphia @ Lincoln Financial Field, which made a lot more sense when they played @ Veterans Field in Philly.

Both academies will don there Class A uni’s and march in lockstep to their respective seats. There will be more seamen packed in the stadium than Kim Kardashian after Saint West’s christening.

TMZ reported that Kimmy had vaginal rejuvenation surgery midway thru her most recent pregnancy to prevent the baby from just falling out. Interestingly, the doctors performing the surgery found Bruce Jenner’s surgically removed balls inside his step-daughters hooch.

When questioned, Kris admitted to having removed his balls after a late-nite orgy that included Jan Michael Vincent

 back in the early 90s.

According to momma Kardashian, she thought Kim’s muff was the perfect hiding place since her a** was so big

  no white dude would touch her. She never considered that Kim’s oversized posterior and light skin would make her the perfect landing zone for black athletes and talentless, moronic, wannabe hip-hop performers around the world. For them, plowing through Kim is sorta like getting your driver’s license. You know, you’re 14, you get it.

Most are puzzled by the name of the latest Kimye offspring as Saint. Da Kidd told me that his best friend, Scott Disick

told him that the name was the couple’s attempt to pay homage to their favorite actor, Val Kilmer

whose role in the theatrical adaptation of the TV series, “The Saint,” was, for them, “the greatest movie event of all time.”

I know what some of you are wondering…what’s all that got to do with this game??? Absolutely nothing, which is what this game means.

This game is less relevant than President Obama’s ISIS policy. Only a leader as feckless as Obama would treat this group of degenerates with this level of deference.

In the end though, Navy plows through the Army defense like Elf on a Shelf plows through Barbie dolls

 Annapolis 38 West Point 13.

UNC v Clemson

What is this??? Basketball??? The term Tar Heels football has only struck fear in the hearts of opponents one time…that’s when LT Lawerence Taylor was snorting Coke, gang banging coeds & de-cleating QBs back in the early 80s. But then this is Clemson. The classic underachiever that expects bad things to happen cuz they usually do.

Dabo was visibly nervous during his ESPN interview today. He was tighter than Da Kidd’s ex-wife before she took all his cash in the divorce. Dabo…what the hell does that even mean? Maybe it’s an acronym for Dumb A** White Boy.

Regardless, Kidd loves him some Dabo. I think Kidd identifies with Dabo. Dabo likes to dance, Kidd likes to dance, but they shouldn’t. To his credit though, Da Kidd did pick the Tigers to win it all before the season. Of course, they ain’t won nuthin yet.

The boys from Chapel Hill have rebounded from their opening game loss to win 11 straight. When asked Roy Williams said he wasn’t aware UNC had a football team.

Much like Da Kidd, UNC is gettin’ no respect. Why should they. UNC is known for two things: men’s basketball & women’s soccer.

I’ve only spent a few days in Chapel Hill. I was there helping this little girl named Mia bend it like Beckham. Lovely town with great people.

Carolina blue is one of the ugliest colors in college sports. Makes everyone look like d*mn smurfs. Speaking of smurfs, that Smurfette is quite the hoe. Smurfette’s had more blue balls across her nose than a Grambling Phi Beta Sigma sweetheart after a step show.

But, I’m feeling an upset is in the making. Which would royally screw up the playoff picture. Clemson goes Clemson and loses a close one.

Fighting Fedoras 33 Dancing Dabos 32.

Gay-tors vs. Satan (Tide -17.5)

Not too many years ago this was a stellar matchup.  You know, before Urb started using vagisil and lying about having heart issues.  Man those were some great games.

But this year??  What an awful SEC Championship game!  Florida scored less points than Smokes picked winners last week. TWO.  How in the hell does the SEC East champ score 2 points in a football game?  And now they’re facing that badass barricade from Bama?

Da KIDD is predicting they score 1 point this weekend.  I know what you’re thinking.  How does a team score one point, KIDD?  Saber metrics.  That’s how.

Since Bama doesn’t face much competition today, defensive captain, Reggie Ragland announced the Tide will be playing this game in honor of the anniversary of Rosa Park’s bus incident.

Now Da KIDD would give his seat up on a bus to any woman, regardless of color.  The only color Da KIDD sees is green.  The color of money, baby!  But as that curmudgeonly bastard, Paul Harvey says, let me tell you the REST of the story as it relates to Rosa.

After Rosa won the right for her people to sit on the bus, she spent the next 30 years getting on the bus, holding on to the handrail while standing up, waiting for all the seats to get full, and then shouting at the top of her lungs, “I know y’all bitches gonna give me my seat!  I’m Rosa Muthaf*kn Parks!”.  Day in, day out.  Rosa got on that bus and called out white folk for 3 decades.

I’m not blaming her, I’m just dropping some south Alabama knowledge on you.  Now that you’ve been given a history lesson, let KIDD give you some easy money here.  Bet Bama double fisted.  They’re playing for the #1 seed, and they’re gonna get it.  Take Bama and the points. ..and give up your seat to a woman.  Tide 41 Florida 1.

Tide v Gators

The game that started it all back in ’92, the inaugural SEC Championship game featured these two teams. It featured Gene Stallings coaching the Tide & the Old Ball Coach Steve Spurrier coaching the Gators. The win vaulted Bama to another Natty.

The Tide are in position to compete for another Chip, while Florida can only play spoiler. In his first year as HC, Jim Bob McElwain is ahead of schedule. Amazingly, Jim Bob has his team in the Champ game with the same players that Will Muschump lost his job with. And now, Big Willy is the front-runner for the South Carolina job.

When Willy’s wife heard he was considering becoming the head Gamecock, it took her right back to junior high where she learned how to chicken head. So, Jim Bob’s job will be even easier.

Problem for Jimmy in this game, he has no offense. It’ll be harder for them to score than Josh Duggar on Ashley Madison.

Speaking of the Duggars, Jim McElwain has often been mistaken for Jim Bob Duggar,

Jim-McElwain jimbob

which he’s used to his advantage many times. Like when he was recruiting an offensive lineman from the backwoods of Tennessee and it was obvious that the family was an inbred baby factory.

I’m not saying the Duggars support in-breeding…at least not all of them. I’m just saying that those who like their show probably do. Let’s face it, having kids is a wonderful blessing. Having 19…is just wrong.

Speaking of wrong, Georgia fires Mark Richt and settled for Alabama defensive coordinator Kirby Smart. Kirb’s looking to get out from under the Saban shadow and prove his coaching mettle. Cat’s first gig is a destination job. That’s usually a recipe for disaster.

How will that affect this game? Other than giving Kirb a chance to scout neighborhoods in Athens, not much. This team is so much better than Florida it’s not even funny.

However, if Florida pulls the upset, it would mean no SEC team in the playoffs. I situation most would have thought impossible a year ago.

The odds of that happening are about as good as Michelle Duggars’ vagina ever being a normal size. Seriously, that gash has squeezed out more heads than a teenager without ProActiv.

Saban & Roll Tide 38 Jim Bob & UF 9.