Monthly Archives: January 2016

‘Bama QB Coker Suspended for National Championship?

The NCAA has a launched a probe into whether or not Alabama QB Jake Coker has accepted money from an agent or sponsor. If true, this could have a potentially devastating effect on the Tide’s national championship aspirations.

Rumors have been swirling around Tuscaloosa that Coker has inked a deal to be the next spokesperson for acne treatment infomercial brand ProActiv.  

According to sources close to the story, Adam Levine,  
lead singer of Maroon 5, celebrity judge on The Voice and long-time ProActive spokesman, leaked the story to Bleacher Report, TMZ & Acne Illustrated because he was upset at being replaced as the brand’s leading spokesman by the younger, less Jewish Coker.

Shelley Smith of ESPN is reporting that ‘Bama OC Lane Kiffin introduced Coker to the ProActiv folks at a party he was throwing at the off-campus home of his alter-ego, Joey Freshwater. According to Smith, Kiffin met the head of ProActiv during his short-lived tryst with former ProActiv spokeswoman Sarah Michelle Gellar, aka Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

When asked, Coach Nick Saban refused to comment and quickly ended the presser. Sabes went off on Coker & Kiffin for bringing this distraction into the camp. Adding to the drama, NCAA head, Mark Emmert, serves on the ProActiv Board and is refusing to recuse himself even though there is a clear conflict of interest.

Vegas has dropped the line all the way down to Alabama -3.5 on the news. If Bama is forced to go with a backup or if Coker is not focused, it could be a long night for the Tide.

Clemson coach Dabo Sweeney is relishing all the attention being paid to the Tide. It’s allowed his Tigers to prepare with a lot less national attention. He’s been touching the rock every night for extra good luck.

I’ve been a keen observer of college football for many years and I expect Clemson to come out nervous and tight. Look for Clemson to get a heavy dose of Heisman winner Derrick Henry with a couple of big plays from Stephen Ridley on the outside. Bama survives this ordeal and pulls away for another Natty. Tide 32 Tigers 19.

Hogs v Cats

You’ve probably heard the saying “he’s forgotten more than I know.” In this game, that’s certainly the case. Kstate Coach Bill Snyder has forgotten more this year than Bielema will ever know.

He forgot where his office was twice, forgot his wife’s name and forgot he was supposed to be in a bowl game this year. What should we expect, the dude is old.

I mean the kind of old that played football before leather helmets were invented. This dudes so old, his social security number is just 2 digits. He’s so old, when he was growing up, running water meant go down to the creek and back. Dude is so old, he heard the sermon on the Mount LIVE!!!

Having said all that, he’s also a helluva good coach. He doesn’t have much talent to work with but they will play hard, be disciplined and not make mistakes.

Bielema on the other hand is fat. I mean the kind of fat that doesn’t even know it’s fat. Bielema is so fat, when he sits around the house, he’s usually eating sh*t. Cat’s so fat, he now bleeds gravy. Dudes so fat, for punishment players have to run around him.

Bert has just finished the two greatest eating holidays and he was in Olympic form. He packed more calories into his gut than Snoop Dog smokes blunt. But, he has the Razorbacks on pace to end this season with a better record than last year.

With Brandon Allen getting passed over for conference honors, they have a little chip on their shoulders. Playing in Memphis has presented a huge opportunity for Bert to crush some ribs, tour Graceland & hang out on Beale Street.

The Hogs were just a few plays away from making the Sugar Bowl, so they are ready to make a statement. Look for the Razorbacks to dominate the line of scrimmage and ultimately wear out the Wildcats. Alex Collins will run wild, Brandon Allen will light it up and the Razorbacks will win going away.

Normally, Da Kidd would prattle on about the point spread or something but alas he’s MIA…again. I think he’s touring Dollywood with some chicks family from Seveirville, TN.

In the past, he wudda just paid for sex, now he takes long road trips to resorts frequented by the elderly. He used to be on a first name basis with every casino owner in Vegas, now he’s trolling retirement villages looking for strange.

So, take my word for it, the Hogs will cover, Bielema will get indigestion and Da Kidd will have a wild story that includes a walker & blood pressure pills. UA 43 Kstate 17.

Michigan v Florida

Michigan is a couple a plays away from having a special season. They certainly exceeded most experts’ expectations in Harbaugh’s first year. He would love to take out an SEC opponent as an exclamation point to this season. His khakis are freshly laundered and his team is ready to go.

The other first year head coach Jim Bob McElwain of Florida is also enjoying a level of success few thought possible in Jimmy’s inaugural campaign, which is a nice respite from Jim’s personal life.

TMZ broke the story that Jim McElwain is indeed Jim Bob Duggar. With one of his sons teenage incest and use of the Ashley Madison hookup site getting exposed, the shine is sorta off the reality star’s family.

So, success on the gridiron in Gainesville has been a wonderful distraction to say the least. It also helps assuage his bruised ego from his failed bid to get another reality show on Lifetime.

With audiences tiring of the Duggars, he felt a spinoff was in order. It was a simple idea, combine the power of multi-kid families with polygamy. In this show, his son Josh would marry his mother and Kate Plus 8 star, Kate Goselin.

In Jim Bob’s mind, the drama created by putting these 2 families under the same roof, the friction between the two mothers & Josh’s penchant for “slapping bitches around,” would make for great entertainment.

Lifetime ultimately passed on the project because Jim Bob would not change the show’s name, “Pimping Out Your Wife & Kids for Cash.”

It’s been difficult to focus on the game with all that swirling around, so Florida will not be ready to play. The Gator offense is very weak and will struggle to score points. Michigan will dominate this game and win a lower scoring affair 24-9.

Buckeyes v Irish

Notre Dame HC Brian Kelly spent the early hours of this morning at mass. He lit a couple candles and prayed to Saint Rockne, the patron saint of Notre Dame football. His was a simple prayer, “in the name of all that is Holy, let me beat that smug sumbitch Urban Meyer in the Fiesta Bowl.”

Unfortunately, Kelly actually believes the ND Media Guide assertion that Knute Rockne is indeed a Saint. It is true that ND petitioned the Vatican for sainthood for the former coach, but he was never actually canonized. But, his prayer indicates the level or private disdain Kelly has for Meyer.

On the other hand, Urb, who people close to the coach say is extremely superstitious, meticulously followed his pre-bowl game ritual of petting his dog, Lucky, 3 times on the head, putting the left shoe on first, donning his white pre-game windbreaker, polishing his mole & running noses with his wife.

THE Ohio State University is now carrying the mantle of the Big10 after Sparty’s utter collapse to Bama 38-0. Urb is still miffed that his Buckeyes weren’t allowed to defend their title from last year and plans to take it out on the Irish. Even though he now lives in Dublin, Ohio, he wants to destroy the boys from South Bend.

Kirk Herbstreit is in a conundrum due to his affinity for ND and his love for his former university. OSU mascot Brutus had to comfort a sobbing Herbie after last nights pre-game tryst.

But, in the end, this game comes down to talent and speed versus tradition. State has em all in spades and ND just has tradition. Tradition doesn’t win football games, dudes with predispositions to committing felonies do and Urb loves to recruit felons.

If Da Kidd was awake and not sleeping off a night of chasing cougars around some Indian casino in Iowa, he’d tell you to pick state to cover. I’ll just tell you that the Luckeyes will win this one going away…OSU 34 Irish 21.