Super Bowl 50, the NFLs golden spectacle features the oldest quarterback in NFL history to start a Super Bowl game, Peyton Manning. Problem is, Peyton ain’t what he used to be.
Most agree that he’s lost velocity on his passes, even though he’s never been known for his strong arm. After 4 neck surgeries and several other nagging injuries, Manning says he feels good heading in to the game.
Recently, Al Jazeera, the terrorist news organization, broke a story about HGH being shipped to Peyton’s wife. The future hall of famer denied receiving HGH to help in his recovery from neck surgery. Unfortunately, the reporter got the facts right but not reasoning.
Peyton’s wife didn’t order HGH to help in his recovery. She ordered it to help him get and maintain an erection. According to sources close to the Mannings, “the Sheriff” has been shooting blanks. He’s been yelling “Omaha” in the bedroom hoping to camouflage his flaccid member. It ain’t working.
Ashley is hoping to get the Peyton that “tea-bagged” a female trainer in Knoxville back. She’s got a little freak in her & she married Peyton cause he’s a freak too. Or, was a freak. Now, he prefers to suck on Werthers humming that Nationwide tune rather than suck on her knockers.
On the field, Peyton finally has a defense worthy of a Super Bowl. To bad for him, he is not really able to take advantage of it. Of course, DaKidd loves Peyton. He puts up gaudy numbers but can’t close the deal. Story of DaKidds life. Not to mention the fear issue.
You see for DaKidd and many white dudes like him, there’s also a tremendous fear of a guy like Cam. He’s intelligent, good-looking, rich, athletic, big and black. The way DaKidd sees it, if white guys don’t have the rich and intelligent card, there’s no way they can compete with the black man when it comes to white women.
Think about it…Cam scores touchdowns, flashes that million dollar smile, hands the ball to a sick white kid in the stands and causes all the white women to swoon thinking he’s superman and I want to be his Lois Lane. That’s why they like to call him “Scam” Newton. So, for DaKidd a Cam loss is a win for white men everywhere.
It’s Magic & Bird all over again. Peyton, the greatest overachiever/underachiever in NFL history, has the misfortune of going up against the force of nature that is Cameron Newton. Unlike Peyton, Cam is used to winning championships. Unlike Peyton, Cam was never accused of sexually-harassing a female trainer. Unlike Peyton, Cam can get it up.
Cam is going to treat the leagues best defense like Peyton treats an accuser, he’s going to bully, defame and harass them into submission. DaKidd will ignore the fact that it took Cam just 5 years to get to the big game…it took Peyton 8.
The Panther defense is no joke either. They are going slap Peyton around more than Johnny Manziel with his girlfriend on a weekend bender in Ft Worth. I don’t think this game is going to be very close. I got the Panthers winning by 12…29-17, and in so doing ending the career of the greatest regular season quarterback in history that’s not even qualified to carry Tom Brady’s jock.
At least now he will have time to perfect his tea-bagging technique on PaPa John, and finally fulfill his dream of replacing the Sonic guys as the most beloved ambiguously gay couple in fast food marketing.