Monthly Archives: September 2016

No Brows vs Duggar

Tennessee hasn’t beaten the Gay-tors in over a decade. Jim Bob Duggar hasn’t had to rub one out in over a decade. Here’s to you, Michelle “Drain My Man Dry Everytime and Ruin My Uterus” Dugger.

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Look, Da Kidd knows McElwain is the coach of the Gay-tors, but he is Jim Bob Duggar’s doppelgänger, so I’m rolling with that.

Tennessuck is 3-0 behind Josh “Nobrows” Dobbs.

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The Tennessean just reported that he’s the first Trisomy 21 quarterback to start a season in the SEC 3-0. Jamarcus Russell was rumored to have some retardation, but it turns out he was just stupid.

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Florida has been less offensive the last 5 years than the smell in the Duggar house during afternoon home-school math class. While Duggar is scoring at home, the Gay-tors can’t seem score on the field-with their offense.

Now they’re using a re-tread from Smokes alma mater, Purdue. Yes, Pur”f$%kin”due. That’s never a good sign. But that defense is badass. They’ve got athletes at every position.

Tennessee is more overhyped than Hillary Rodham Clinton’s heterosexuality. They just aren’t very good. And Da Kidd has learned something over the years: never, ever, EVER bet against a streak.

If a girl keeps swallowing, keep showing up with flowers and beer. And if Florida has won 11 a row, bet them getting 6 points vs. Tennessuck. Gay-tor defense can score 21, which will be enough. 24-17 Duggars.

Putting Lead In The Pencil

To say that Democrats are dumb is like saying Bill and Hillary Clinton struggle telling the truth. Example #1 is Flint, Michigan. Democrats have been running the show in Flint for decades. Recently, Flint made headlines for something other than crime, their water.

The water supply is contaminated with lead. Under the watchful eyes of Democrat officials, the people of Flint have been systematically poisoned for years.

When the Democrat mayor Virg Bernero 


of East Lansing, Michigan, home of Michigan State, heard about lead in the water in Flint, he seized the opportunity to strike. He negotiating what he described as a “sweet-heart deal,” to buy water from Flint. He believes that more lead in the water will, and I quote, “put more lead in our pencils!”

It’s stupidity like that which keeps Democrat controlled city’s and states in the dark ages. What makes it worse is that MSU president Peter McPherson agrees with the mayor.

I think that spells doom for the Spartans against the Badgers of Wisconsin. Sparty will struggle to score and Wisconsin will pull the upset. Wisconsin 21 MSU 17.

Becky Goes to Brown Town???

Did you see the corn-holing Sparty gave the Irish last weekend? A beautiful thing indeed. The only thing better than Notre Dame getting sodomized by a big green man is when Da Kidd is going to brown town himself.

Which, incidentally, would be the only reason Kidd would ever take his action to East Lansing for anything other than a high-stakes no-limit game.

Speaking of high stakes, do you know how much they pay Dantonio? Cat’s banking close to $5 mil/per! Think Becky Dantonio sports an LV? As in Louis Vuitton?

In my world, an “LV” is a loose vagina, but not in poor Mark’s world. An LV in his world costs $3,000, is slung over his wife’s shoulder, and doesn’t come with a happy ending. Poor bastard.

You gotta love Wisconsin coach, Paul, “The Messiah” Chryst. This fella was born in Madison, Wisconsin, played quarterback for the Badgers, and is now their head coach. Messiah has gone 13-3 since Bret Bielema plugged Madison’s Hershey highway and headed for the land of real football.

This game will be ugly. Yes, the game will be ugly, but I’m talking about the cheerleaders and the fans. People from the midwest are by-and-large, a ghastly group that look like crime in the face.

Look for the Badgers to keep it close, get 2 big turnovers, and pull the upset late in East Sh*ttsville with a 27-24 win. And look for Becky Dantonio to be slingin’ that LV. You know which one..

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Duggar Dad Goes For 12 In A Row

A few weeks removed from Incest Bowl 2016 at Bristol Motor Speedway between the University of Tennessee and Virginia Tech University, Gameday setup camp in Knoxville in the shadow of Neeland Stadium on the banks of the Tennessee River. Now, the University of Florida comes to town. 

Reality show super-star Jim Bob Duggar, aka Jim McElwain, is looking to extend the Gator’s 11-game win streak against the Vols. McElwain’s show on Lifetime, “19 and Counting,” chronicles he and his wife’s experience with their 19 children. Not since Noah was on the ark have some many people come out of one worn-out hooch.


Michelle Duggar’s snatch is so stretched out that she is no longer able to get pregnant because her eggs fall out of the Fallopian tubes. In fact, the youngest Duggar has been known to collect the eggs and play with them like marbles. That, along with McElwain’s inability to get and maintain an erection, has caused quite a rift in the Duggar household.

Fortunately, Jimmie can focus on his Gator’s. And although he lost his starting quarterback early in the season, the Florida defense is playing lights out.

On the other sideline, Butch Jones hopes to reverse this trend of losing to Florida. Even though you would be hard-pressed to find a full set of teeth in the over 100,000 Tennessee fans that will pack the stadium, the Vols are a proud program who DaKidd believes are worthy of hatred. Sure, DaKidd was hassled at the Sigma Nu house back in ’94 and never got his hat back, but aside from Tee Martin’s lucky run in 1998, Tennessee has virtually no football success in the modern era.

Not since Davey Crockett was loading his muzzle have so many people depended on a Volunteer to defeat a Gator.


This is going to be a tough game. Yards are going to be harder to come by than genetic diversity in Knoxville. But, I have Tennessee finally breaking through and winning the game but failing to cover the 6.5 point spread. UT 19 UF 15.

Amber Alert Issued For Reveille

A couple of weeks ago, Brett Bielema’s Arkansas Razorbacks got a much needed win against TCU on the road a few miles down Interstate 30 in Fort Worth. Friends of Jen Bielema have noticed how she is walking funny since that epic road win.

When pressed Jen finally revealed that during a late night game of Twister, Bert lost his balance reaching for a Zaxby’s chicken finger and collapsed on top of Jen, pinning her to the hardwood floor. It took Bert several tries before he could roll himself off and in the process wrenched Jen’s knee. 

Bert addressed the incident on Twitter saying simply, “injuries are a part of having sex!”

Bert is one of the most interesting coaches in all of college football. He is a quote machine, but he is also a pretty darn good football coach.

Bert has been experimenting with analytics. Analytics is basically using statistics to determine play selection and other situational decisions in order to put the odds in your favor. 

Here are some stats: 38% of the time Arkansas has a 3rd and 8 or more yards and there are less than 4 minutes left in the game…and Arkansas is trailing by 2 or more points, Bielema eats a Zagnut.

When the opponent is inside the Arkansas red zone, and the Arkansas defense is in its nickel package, Brett reaches for a BLT.

Brett is 65% more likely to smuggle a plate of jalapeño poppers and two YooHoo’s under his long-sleeved pullover at AT&T Stadium against Texas A&M. Brett loves him some stats!!!

The only stat that matters is that Arkansas has lost the last two games against the Aggies in heartbreaking fashion. In both contests, Arkansas had the game well in hand only to allow the Aggies to eek out wins by giving up some big plays late.

The Aggies come in ranked 10th in the country and feeling that a win today could propel them into the driver’s seat in the SEC West. It’s a far cry from the end of last season when A&M Head Coach Kevin Sumlin saw his two 5-star quarterbacks transfer. He then was able to land Oklahoma reject Trevor Knight. That, and his stud D-ends have righted all that was wrong in Aggieland.

But, an incident on the campus of Texas A&M late Thursday night threatens to derail the Aggies national championship aspirations. The Aggie mascot, Reveille, may not be able to attend the game in Arlington.

The Dallas Morning News reported this morning that Reveille is resting comfortably at an undisclosed veterinarian clinic in the Dallas/Fort Worth metroplex. The pooch was injured during an annual Aggie right of passage. 

Started in 1963, the “F$%k the Dog” night at Kyle Field on the campus of Texas A&M is one of the most cherished traditions in the school’s storied history. It involves Corps of Cadet freshmen taking turns on a blind-folded Reveille as Yell Leaders chant “DO IT, DO IT, DO IT.”

Word out of College Station is that the over-eager freshman who failed to properly lube, has been expelled from the university and is facing criminal charges. The University has promised to improve its freshman educational program to include safe dog sex protocols.

Kevin Sumlin dismissed questions about the incident saying his team is loose and ready to play. However, an athletic department staffer has said that players are losing sleep and very concerned the mascot will not be on the field.

That’s all the break the Hogs need to right the wrongs of the last two years at the Southwest Classic at Cowboy’s Stadium. I’ve got the Hogs winning this game out-right setting up a huge clash of top 10 undefeateds in a couple of weeks when the Tide rolls into Fayetteville. Arkansas 33 Texas A&M 31.

Wampum? They’re Gunna Kill ‘Em!

The two biggest douchebag coaches in all of football square off in Norman, OK. When I hear, Norman, Oklahoma, Da Kidd immediately thinks of losing his virginity.

I was 11 and visiting my cousin, Chastity (irony of ironies on her name for sure) at the Chi Omega house in Norman for the OU/Nebraska game. It was raining, and I had spent the previous night hustling some Sig Eps out of beer money. Even though I had a hefty bet on the Sooners, I didn’t want to get my hair all wet.

So, I stayed in the sorority house and watched it on TV.  Until “Shaw-nee” walked in. She was part Injun Nation, and she caused me to miss most of the morning games. Yes, I said “games”… plural, DaKidd has always been a performer.

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Wonder if she still thinks about that Saturday tryst as she makes wampum and corn meal on the reservation? I still get turned on every time I see a headdress full of feathers.

Urban Meyer is the smuggest sunuvabitch on the planet. The stress of the SEC got to him once Timmy Tebow left to pursue his professional career.

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Speaking of Tebow’s career, did you see he’s playing pro-baseball now??  WTF, Timmy? It’s time to focus on losing your virginity. Trust me, it’s time.  There’s nothing rash about getting some gash.

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I know a good Injun girl that’s probably lonely since I left her in the shower to go back to watching football. Sorry babe, I was eleven and had sh!t to do.

Smokes respects Urb. DaKidd thinks he should die in a diesel fire. Urban epitomizes “punkass-ness”.

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That b@stard cost me a house in the Hamptons when he called a TD pass while up 38 with :35 seconds to go once. Yes, a diesel fire is in order. DaKidd will strike the match.

Big game Bob slobbed the ol’ knob in week one.

Oklahoma head coach Bob Stoops looks on during Oklahoma football media day on Aug. 6. The Sooners will start out top-ranked in The Associated Press college football poll for the 10th time, more than any program in the country. (AP Photo/Sue Ogrocki)

But this game is in Norman. Unless he you are wearing red and white and your mascot is a little covered wagon, you can’t win in Norman.

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Boomer’s season is on the line here. Gone are the days of shooting AK 47’s out of the football dorm windows, but The Sooners are still immensely talented. Baker Mayfield has the best game of his career en route to a Big Boomer win.  Oklahoma 37 Ohio State 33.

Sex Wins Games

This game features the most oversexed and most undersexed coaches in America. On one hand, you’ve got Bobby “Muthur-F$&kin” Petrino (BMFP), and let me just tell you, that cat gets his. More on that later. On the opposing sideline, you have a coach that is in more dire need of a BJ than any man on the planet.

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Have you heard this guy talk the last 3 years? He’s wound tighter than Dick’s hatband. Cousin Emmett tells me two weeks ago that Jimbo Fisher had to be pulled off of Jamison Winston whilst humping his leg after the comeback win against Ole Miss.

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Yeah, Da Kidd just dropped a “whilst” on you. Yeah, I went to college. Flunked out of Ethics 101 because of a late night poker game at the Sahara… that was easier money than betting against Smokes’ picks, but I digress.

BMFP is turning b!tches down on campus, on motorcycles, on random Tuesdays, and Jimbo is relegated to trying to play with the ball sac of Chief Osceola’s horse, Renegade, to get any action.

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Folks, this is no small matter. Who’s going to be more ready to focus on playing the biggest game of the season so far? A post-nutted and relaxed Bobby Petrino, or a pent-up Jimbo? Advantage playa.

BMFP has two things: 1) A mobile and accurate quarterback (who, by the way, cousin Emmett swears has a c@ck bigger than Renegade) and 2) He’s got M*f*ing swag.

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Swag is big these days. It’s hip. It wins ball games. And BMFP has it in spades. His players believe, too. Yes, FSU has a black, French quarterback. WTF?! Doesn’t that make him Senegalese by definition?!

They also have the best running back in the country not named Fournette in Dalvin Cook. Calvin is a bad, bad man, but… they can’t c&ck-swing like the Cards.

And this game will be determined by who plays the loosest. My money is on a post-coital Petrino. Cards upset the apple cart in the ACC at home and send Jimbo in search of a frightened Renegade. Louisville 34 CrimiNOLES 27

Lil Abner’s Chicken

You ever get ever get tired of hearing something? I’ve got a buddy whose wife always bitches about him leaving his underwear on the floor.

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Personally, Da Kidd has gone commando for the last 15 years, but that’s not the point. You ever get tired of hearing something said to you or about you?

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Da Kidd gets tired of hearing that his anal sex to regular romp ratio is too high. Seriously?! That’s not even possible to make too high.

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There’s a reason I have a monicker. Da Kidd has needs. So does Nick Saban. I know most of the country hates little Nicky, but his teams have paid my tab at 5-star restaurants since junior high. I’m a fan.

My boy, Nick, is tired of hearing that his teams struggle against mobile quarterbacks. In fact, he’s downright red-assed about it.

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This Ole Miss team is coming apart at the seams. With the NCAA breathing down their neck’s with all of the cheating that’s been going on and with the tremendous loss of talent to the NFL, this Rebel team appears poised for a monumental collapse – beginning at the quarterback position. Chad Kelley is closer to a relapse than Charlie Sheen (names have been changed to protect the innocent).

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Really Ole Miss? The top players in California, Maryland, Ohio, and Florida want to come to Oxford for Abner’s Chicken and that esteemed degree?! No, you’ve been paying to get Momma’s hurr and nails did in da hood, and now the devil is collecting his due.

This may be the most talented defense Saban has ever had. That’s the equivalent of saying this skirt Da Kidd is dating may be the hottest piece he’s ever dated. Both big statements, but both are likely true.

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After two years of Hotty Toddy cramping the Tide’s style, pain is coming. As Doc Holliday said in the most quotable classic of all-time, “Tombstone”, “It’s not revenge he’s after. It’s a reckoning.”.

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Not only will the Tide roll up a ton of points, but Joey Freshwater’s offense will put up yardage on the Rebel’s Land Minnow defense faster than the boys at Grainster can blow through $200 million in Monopoly money.

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Da Kidd has bet 6 digits on the money line in this game (that’s Bama to just win the game, Smokes) and 5 digits on a Tide cover. It’s one of the easiest plays this professional has seen in a long, long time.

Da Kidd had inside information on the varmint flu that swept through the Virginia Tech locker room last week and doomed the Hokies vs. The Vols. And being the legend I am, I shared it with you.

Da Kidd also has inside information here. Alabama’s African American players have been promised a full bucket of Little Abner’s dark meat chicken on the square if they cover the 10.5 points.

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It’s a lock. This game WILL get ugly late. Sweet Home Alabama 52 Racist Rebels 17.

Smug Rolls Into Norman

Normally, living in Oklahoma sucks. But after the Chippewas of Central Michigan upset Okie Lite in Stillwater last weekend, it made the malaise created by the Oklahoma Sooners beat down @ the hands of former Urban Meyer offensive coordinator Tom Herman and his Houston Cougars deepen into a full-blown depression.

Not since the Trail of Tears have so many people in Oklahoma wished they lived elsewhere!

Now, the Ohio State Buckeyes roll into town. The Daily Oklahoman reported that Urban Meyer’s mole arrived two days before the rest of the team.

It was only a day behind Urb’s smug. Access Hollywood reported that Kanye West has requested to borrow Urb’s smug it for his next appearance @ the VMAs.

Speaking of smug, if Hillary Rodham Clinton was a dinosaur, she’d be called a Lickalottapus.

Oops, Bob Stoops did it again. Started the season ranked in the top 5, then screwed the pooch against a lower ranked team in a meaningless game.

Much like DaKidd in Vegas, in life, and in the bedroom, the Stoops brothers have helped redefine what it means to underperform. But unlike DaKidd, @ least they show up. Just ask Tabitha and the minister at the Little Wedding Chapel just off the Strip.

Normally, teams are nervous when rolling into Norman to face OU. But Urb used a 3rd string QB to beat down Sabes and win his 2nd Natty, so facing a Stoops led team is like Bill Clinton interviewing chubby interns. Sure, he’ll talk to all of them, but in the end he’s only gonna dip his cigar in the one with a blue dress!

I’ve got the Sooners getting out to an early lead before faltering faster than Hillary climbing into a van. Speaking of HRC, a secret service agent assigned to her security detail, speaking on the condition of anonymity, claimed that Hillary, code named “Butch,” has been smuggling Bucky the Buckeye under her tent-sized pantsuit.

I hope that’s true, otherwise, if elected, she’ll become the fatest POTUS since Grover Cleveland was waddling down Pennsylvania Avenue.

Look for the Buckeyes to easily cover, OSU 41 OU 29.

Gang Rape in the Grove

As a God-fearing man, it is incumbent upon me to hate Ole Miss. Just like Hillary Rodham Clinton, these insufferable b@stards stand for everything wrong in the world.

Like HRC, they only want white people to win. Like HRC, they promise black people the world and then use them to get what they want. And like Bill Clinton, they want to marry blonde white women and bang thick sistas in the Oval Office.

I’m not saying that HRC wants to bang thick sistas in the Oval Office, but if HRC wins, Donna Brazile has first dibs on the Lincoln bedroom!

And as disgusting as a HRC presidency would be, Ole Miss winning an SEC or National Championship would be worse.

We’ve been electing moribund, lying, & cheating politicians for years. And even though HRC is the most morally challenged politician to contend for a nations highest office since Hitler assumed power in Germany, she would do less damage the fabric of America than an Ole Miss natty.

DaKidd will extol the virtues of the Grove and no doubt recount some tale of violating an under-aged dilettante during the first possession of the 3rd overtime in the Arkansas Razorbacks’ 7 overtime win in Oxford back in 2001. In reality, the Grove is nothing more than a Cambodian refugee camp with more pretense, makeup, and fake boobs!

By the way, the Huffington Post reported that both Bill AND Hillary Clinton are on record as saying that the Grove outside Vaught-Hemingway Stadium is the greatest place to plow gash in the country!!!

Which is something coming from a woman who’s tasted punanny from the finest universities in the world!

This game also offers some other interesting storylines, such as the fact that Ole Miss could become the first team to defeat a Nick Saban coached team since my Purdue Boilermakers back in the late 90’s.

Lil Nicky has been on the warpath to prevent that travesty of justice. To say that Saban hates losing would be a gross understatement!

Nick Saban hates losing more than Abby Wambach hates men!

This chick hates male genitalia more than an inbred girl from the hills of Tennessee hates her brothers and cousins. She would rather play swallow the strap-on with a Lowes plumbing department team member than…

oops, I digress…

Yet, Hugh Freeze has been able to pull off back-to-back wins against the Tide. Interestingly, he has lost back-to-back to Bert Bielema’s Arkansas Razorbacks. Now, Freeze’s Clan is hoping to put an end to the “Black Lives Matter” movement and make it a 3-peat against the Tide.

Thing is, even though Ole Miss is clearly paying for players to attend their institution of “higher learning,” it’s not institutionalized the way it is in Tuscaloosa.

The Tide boosters have made paying for talent an art form. Ever since Bear payed players to warm the bench to keep them from playing for competitors, Bama has made paying players standard operating practice.

So, even though it will be close game, Bama and Joey Freshwater will be violating the Rebel faithful with more ferociousness than a lifer on a fresh-faced teenaged first offender. Tide 39 Colonel Reb 31.