Monthly Archives: September 2017

She’s a Brick…House

Cousin Emmet lives in Nashville now.  Technically it’s a motorized vehicle that’s parked in Nashville.  He has no children (not with the right number of chromosomes anyway),

and he’s decided his artistic, or autistic, gift shouldn’t die with him.

He’s been attempting to reproduce and so he’s has been selling his personally-designed hand-woven confederate flags near an Asian market in downtown.  He told me that he’s been roofie-ing smart, Asian, Vandy students in hopes of procreating.

Presumably females, but it is Emmet.

Says he slips it in their pad Thai, smokes a  fatty boom blatty, and waits.  The whole thing is disgusting.  I mean seriously.  Asians?!  If you’re gonna roofie a gal, you don’t go Asian.

I get his angle.  They’re stereotypically smart creatures, but that’s 18 years of child support and a helluva lot of bok choy to smell.

But, DaKidd don’t judge.

I just read this game is in Nashville???  Wait…Vanderbilt has a football team?  What’s the f%$k is a Commodore?  That funky band from the 70’s?  Is that the one, Penny Lover, sang for?

How can they be your mascot?  Is there a student dressed up in a Lionel Ritchie suit on the sidelines?  I’m confused.

Cousin Emmet just texted and said it’s a rank in the Navy somewhere below Admiral.

What in Nashf%$k does that mean?!

Speaking of the Commodores, “Brick House” is the nickname for the ‘Dores SEC leading defense, or should I say “Allegedly”, the SEC leading defense.

Derek Mason has the brain trust in Nashville thinking Atlanta isn’t just the place where Vandy grads go to take jobs from Yellowjacket grads.

They’re talking SEC Championship.  They’re talking undefeated season.  They’re talking National…hold your pocket protector there, Lloyd…you’re playing Alabama.  And it’s not in the Quiz Bowl.  It’s in full pads.  It doesn’t take a Vandy MBA to figure out who’s got the advantage here.

Vandy will start the game like ‘Smokes starts sex, sweaty, and full of fire.  They might even get a defensive stop or two.  But once they’ve been corn-holed like poor Song-Pham in Emmet’s van, they’ll rollover and play dead.

I saw a sign a Vandy fan was holding that said, “We want Bama”.  Ok, genius, ya got ’em.  And it’s gonna smart by the 4th quarter.  Bama rolls into Nashville and leaves destruction in its wake.

Don’t worry Song-Pham, at least that kid will be able to do oil on canvas.  Tide 49 Vandy 10.   Apologies for the short rant, but I’ve been called to Dallas for a booster meeting in case Bret Bielema loses to the Aggies…which is likely.

Upset special: Miss State 31 Georgia 21

What’s Love Got To Do With It?

A lot has changed in the year since Arkansas met Texas A&M at the Southwest Classic in Dallas. Kevin Sumlin is on the hot seat.

Donald Trump is President.

And Bobby Petrino is still a dick.

I was barely old enough to read when my father helped a young singer named Tina, get away from some mean dude named Ike. I couldn’t understand why Ike wanted to hit that nice lady. I just knew she was really sweet to me. It was great to hang out with her when we were in Europe this past spring.

For those keeping score at home, last season’s article called “Amber Alert Issued for Revielle,” chronicled the unfortunate coupling of freshmen corps of cadet hopefuls with one Reveille, the collie mascot of Texas A&M. The tradition, which can be traced back to the early sixties, is a rite of passage for anyone aspiring to high office on the campus in College Station.

The folks in Aggieland have learned some things this past year…they learned that true love knows no bounds, that Reveille is actually a female collie, and that pulling out is never a foolproof way to avoid pregnancy…even when f&$kin’ a dog!

Well, Josh McAllen, the disgraced freshman expelled for last year’s hazing incident that sent Reveille to the world famous Cooper Institute of Veterinary Research in Arlington, is now a proud new father. Reveille gave birth to her first, and probably only, litter of pups under the watchful care of Dr. Emil Chwalinski, the world’s foremost expert on human/canine relationships.

Dr. Chwalinski was deported from his homeland of Poland after its was discovered that he was attempting to start his own master race by mating Lithuanians and German Shepherds. Dr. Chwalinski was given refuge and a multi-million dollar grant to pursue his research at Texas A&M.

Both mom and pups are doing well, but the experience rendered Reveille unable to give birth again.

Even though McAllen was expelled from the University after the incident, Texas A&M has sued for custody of the pups.

According to legal documents filed in the state of Texas District Court claim that since the “alleged” incident occurred during a University sponsored event, and the father was “at the time of inception” a corps of cadet candidate, and that Reveille is “owned” by the University, any and all offspring are the de facto property of Texas A&M University.

The ACLU, GLAAD, and Americans for Beastiality have all filed Amicus Briefs opposing the Aggie position. They have asked the court to recognize the marriage of Reveille and McAllen as legal and equivalent to any other marriage.

GLAAD spokeslesbian Joan Ridge said, “Love is love. Virtually everyone likes to do it doggy-style…Josh and Reveille are THE doggy-style.”

The battle has gotten heated and is splitting the campus along party lines. College Republicans have led protests against the concept of “Manine” marriage. College Democrats staged their own protest in favor of “Manine” marriage by pulling a train on a donkey.

The upheaval on the Aggie campus has seriously upset the football team. Kyle Field has been the site of several protests. The team is split, with many of the players arguing before and after plays. Coach Sumlin is at a loss and the effects are showing up in the game and on the scoreboard.

The reason for the epic collapse in the second half of the UCLA game can be traced to a halftime argument wherein key members of the team were overheard to say, “I’ll never play with an animal lover.”

Things are a bit better in the Arkansas side but the Hogs looked lifeless in their 27-10 drubbing at the hands of the TCU Horned Frogs in Fayetteville.

Neither coach can feel comfortable at the moment, but this game can offer some redemption to the winner. It seems as though the Aggies are ready to give up and the Hogs ate ready to show the world that their effort against the Frogs was an anomaly.

The game is in Dallas, so it’s basically a home game for the Aggies. Vegas has A&M as a 2.5 point favorite. The Hogs haven’t enjoyed any success in that building since Bobby Petrino careened off a northwest Arkansas highway into a coed volleyball player’s gash.

However, Burt has a tendency to do well when he has a couple of weeks to prepare. The revamped Arkansas defense stymies and frustrates the Aggie offense forcing 2 red zone turnovers. I like the Hogs to not only cover the 2.5, but win the game outright 33-17.

In the aftermath, Coach Sumlin will update his resume. Burt will get a reprieve. And marriage between a collie and a corps of cadet members will quietly become legal in College Station, Texas.

The Catty with the Natty

When it comes to coaches who are given way too much respect for their actual on field production, no one gets more love than Louisville’s own Bobby Petrino. For a guy that’s never even sniffed a league championship, much less a shot at a Natty, Bob gets mad kudos from most.

I love a curmudgeonly, red-faced, foul-mouthed, a$$-chewing, co-ed banging, motorcycle-wrecking, lying, leave without saying goodbye ginger college football coach as much as the next guy…when they win.

In fact, being a d!ck is the God-given right of all super achievers. But in Bob’s case he ain’t got the hardware.

DaKidd loves him some Bobby “MuthaF$&kin” Petrino (BMFP). His affinity for the crimson-haired volleyball voyeur dates back to an incident at Circus Circus in 2008. DaKidd found himself in the wrong room, at the wrong time, with the wrong skanks.

After “someone” set off the fire alarm, DaKidd bumped into Petrino in the parking deck. DaKidd sandwiched between BMFP’s amply endowed “nieces” as they headed cross-town to the Wynn.

Petrino saved his bacon that night and DaKidd is forever grateful.

Louisville got off to a hot start last year with a curb stomping of Florida State and a narrow loss to the eventual national championship winner, Clemson at Death Valley. Predictably, they collapsed down the stretch, losing their last 3, including a beat down to Houston. The Cougs treated Louisville like a Baylor co-ed, taking turns plowing that endzone.

Although Lamar Jackson won the Heisman on the strength of his play in those early games, it’s not surprising that his team would reflect BMFP’s lack of character. Of course DaKidd has always respected guys who start fast but end weak…that’s the hallmark of any degenerate gambler.

This year, Petrino’s Cards and Heisman winner Lamar Jackson are flying high and hoping to upend Clemson’s bid to repeat as National Champ’s. Dabo Swinney has forever removed the “nice guys finish last” moniker and joined the likes of Danny Ford in the pantheon of South Carolina lore.

Not since they were noosing slaves to trees has so much pride been felt by this many rednecks.

To be fair, BMFP hates Dabo and all he stands for, even though Dabo used Louisville-based Papa Johns to supply all the pizzas when he fed the thousands of fans who showed up a few years ago. Dabo is the exact opposite of BMFP.

Dabo’s nice…

BMFP’s a d!ck…

Dabo is positive…

BMFP’s a d!ck…

Dabo believes anything is possible…

BMFP’s a d!ck…

Dabo has a natty…

BMFP has a neck brace…

This game ultimately comes down to which team should we trust more. Clemson has the better athletes. Clemson has the championship pedigree. Clemson has the more accomplished coach. Clemson has the more ferocious mascot. Louisville has the better basketball team.

So, I think the biggest d!ck outside of Tuscaloosa goes soft. The Tigers will discover that getting feathers outta of your mouth is as hard as “ptooing” pubes after dinner at the Y in the 70’s.

Give me the Catty with the Natty to clip the Cards 34-24.

The Jewz in Da Hood

Did you hear the one about the Catholic priest and the Jewish rabbi walking by the school playground?

The priest says, “Hey, let’s go f@$k some of those boys!  And the rabbi responds, “Out of what?”

Speaking of Jews, enter Josh Rosen aka Chosen Rosen.

He’s got the entire synagogue distracted from mergers and acquisitions and watching sports again for the first time since Mark Spitz won a few swim meet ribbons.

And when did swimming ever count as a sport?!  The f*k??   “Swimming” is something you do on a raft while enjoying cocktails with models, not a sport.

I’m sorry Michael Phelps, go smoke a bowl and eat my footlong Subway schlong.

Rosen was circumcised on the 8th day, but he’s no mensch.  Cousin Emmett tells me a story of intrigue that wreaks of an Oxford, Mississippi-sized cover up.

According to a reliable source, young Rosen burned the local synagogue to the ground.  Rumor has it, 8th grade Rosen was whacking off backstage and neglected his menorah after it was lit.  The local fire chief, an Hasidic Jew (Coincidence?  Think again, Mordecai!)

blamed the incident on a “faulty candelabra”, but DaKidd is backing Cousin Emmett’s story all day.  Then there’s the time in 10th grade when Rosen was caught playing, “Hide the German helmet” with then senior, Bat Sheva Abramowicz.  His parents pulled him from Yeshiva High School and sent him to Don Bosco Prep, and the rest is history.

Listen, DaKidd has liked Rosen’s skill set since seeing his film out of high school.

This kid knows how to win.  UCLA should roll into the Delta, ram it up Memphis’s man-gina, slog down some barbecue and beers, and head back West, right?  Not so fast, homie.

This game is being played in the Hood.  This is the biggest game Memphis has seen since Earl Manigault (aka, Earl The Goat) showed up at Booker T. Washington playground in the early 70’s and took rib money from the White Station starting 5.

Smokes would tell you it was when he and 4 dorm losers took Penny Hardaway and crew to the wire in a pickup game when he was visiting Memphis State, but that went about as good as his first nerf dunk.

Memphis is physical.  Like the Deep South, whoop your ass and pee on your truck tough.  Erebody is picking the Bruins.  DaKidd says go the other way.  Take the Tigers and the points, eat some Rendezvous for me, and don’t forget to support local artists like my Cousin Emmett while you’re there.

He’ll have some velvet vagina paintings and some glass penis looking things for sale out front.

Look for a van.  Or a hatchback Gremlin if he rides with his woman.  Mention DaKidd, and he’ll hook you up with a free Rumpshakers of Shelby County calendar.  He took all the photos himself. So bet this one hard, Memphis covers the 4 spot and beats UCLA, 28-24.

On a side note, Smokes has somehow hit his first two games against the spread.

He must be blowing Danny Sheridan for intel or something, cause he ain’t that good.  To rectify this anomaly, here are a few bonus picks to make things square:

LSU covers…38-17 over Miss State. Birds cover, Louisville 30 Clemson 27. Herman rights the ship and the Horns cover, USC 33 Texas 30.

Slash Me Baby!

Bret Bielema has procreated in the off-season.

Ok, Jen actually had a baby.  Yours truly thinks the kid is a spitting image of Razorback linebacker, Dre Greenlaw…

but this is a judgement free rant.

Assuming it is Bret’s spawn, do you think a baby with a 19 1/2 inch neck will ever get a date?!  She will if momma teaches her the art of picking up men with large…buyouts.

The Hogs are stuck with Bret at least another year, as it would cost them $12 large waffles to buy Bret out.  Since he’s coaching my Hogs for now, we might as well find a way he can win.

TCU’s field general, Kenny Hill, went all throat slashing reaper last year in this game, and that penalty ultimately cost the Frogs the game as Arkansas got the ball in great field position with a chance to score late in regulation and send the game to overtime.

What a role model.  You’re the head QB, and clearly the most important non-bovine creature in all of Fort Worth, and you go all Blood v. Crips on us?!  But don’t fret, he couldn’t cut it at Texas A&M and he led the Frogs to a 6-7 finish.  He’s a winner.  Clearly.

On the opposing side of the ball, Arkansas has a bonafide monster.  His name is Sosa Agim.

This guy is a freak show.  One man can’t stop him. That’s why he gets double-teamed more than Smokes at a gay cigar bar.

DaKidd is going on the record right now and saying Sosa Agim will be a Top 10 NFL draft pick after next football season.  He’s already the best D-lineman in the country – and no one has heard of him.  That all changes Saturday afternoon on CBS.

On the other side line, we have Gary penis patter.  Is it just me, or does he look like a guy who eats his own boogers?

And I’ll bet he likes them perfectly round and fresh.  But he’s is one of the top 15 highest paid coaches is in all of college football, and has turned TCU into a program of relevance.

His quarterback, Throat Slasher, is an A&M reject who is quicker than Smokes on top of one of those cigar lounge boys.

Cousin Emmett was painting a bathroom wall up in Fayetteville and overheard Razorback fans saying the Hogs had no chance.

No chance?!  These same teams played last year in Cattleville, and the Hogs dominated the Frogs for 3 1/2 quarters before ultimately winning in double overtime as 10 point dogs.

DaKidd cashed in big in Vegas on that one, and ended the night a set of Siamese twins…

Talk about double overtime…but it got messy.  Afterwards, I didn’t know which Siamese twin was texting me.  They have the same hands for god sakes.👐🏼

On the field, TCU has the better coach.  Arkansas has home field.  Athletes are about the same caliber.  I like Austin Allen as a 2nd year starter to make a couple more plays than Throat Slasher.  Hogs 31 Frogs 24.

Sooner or Later

When I got the call from a friend on the Board of Regents at Oklahoma University in Norman about Bob Stoops being fired, I was stunned.

I have never seen a guy as tenured as Bob get the axe after spring practice. There had to be more to the story.

So, I called some friends of the family who are old school Sooner boosters that are in the know.

The real story is much more sordid than I could have imagined.

Apparently Big Game Bob (as he is sarcastically known due to his penchant for coming up small in big games), had been making “hay” with several members of the OU Board of Regents and their wives in the back of the Sooner Schooner.

But with another season failing to reach the playoffs, Bob felt the the ritual known simply as “the stuffed wagon” could give OU an edge in recruiting. When Stoops’ wife, Carol, discovered Bob and several recruits and co-eds  asleep naked in the Schooner, she said enough.

Either Bob resigned or she would ruin him.

Meanwhile, over in Columbus, the Buckeyes are prepping for another run to a Natty. Coach Urban Meyer released a new book in the offseason which chronicled his team’s title season and the lessons learned.

What most don’t know is that Urb’s large nog mole has filed suit in state court seeking to be named a person. Many have speculated that Urb’s mole is the source of his overwhelming smugness.

Official court documents filed by Urb’s mole make a compelling case for the mole becoming a person. The mole takes credit for Urb’s success at Utah and the successful recruitment of Tim Tebow at Florida.

Some believe it was the strained relationship between Smuggy and Urb which caused the coach to resign from Florida.

The mole, which has some hip-hop leanings, wants to be known as “Smuggy the Urb Nog Mole.” It’s motivation for pursuing personhood is so that it can get married.

Smuggy is infatuated with Gabriel Macht’s nog mole.

It reached out to the Suits star’s dermal protrusion via Facebook but has yet to hear back. TMZ reports that Macht’s mole has been in an on-again off-again affair with Cyndi Crawford’s mole.

Smuggy isn’t deterred by the lack of response from Macht’s mole. It realizes that even if its petition is successful, same-sex marriage between moles is only legal in the country of Chad.

When asked about his mole’s suit at a recent presser, Urb declined to comment but sources close to the program say Urb’s stress level is thru the roof giving cause for concern.

First year coach Lincoln Riley hopes to forever eliminate the Stoops shadow with a huge win on the road.

In a prime time matchup between Heisman hopefuls Baker Mayfield and JT Barrett, Oklahoma rolls into town hoping to avenge last years curb stomp in Norman at the hands of Ohio State.

DaKidd’s friends out in Vegas have installed the Buckeyes as a 7.5 point favorite. But I feel there is something brewing over in Norman. The Sooners’ cement their position in the final 4 with a huge win in the Horseshoe, Sooners 33 Suckeyes 28.

Criminoles Charged With Stealing

I’m back, b!tches.  DaKidd took part of last season off.  Had to run some sh*t down to the Keys with Cousin Emmett.

No, not THAT kinda sh*t, some artwork. Cousin Emmett has found a new resurgence in blown glass.

Looks like dildos to me, but Emmett has carved out a nice little niche in South Florida.  DaKidd would probably still be there if my Jai Alai ring hadn’t been infiltrated by Monroe County’s finest.  And I needed a date.

DaKidd draws the line at finger banging widowed retirees in the camper outside of Golden Corral.

Not judging Emmett, just not for DaKidd.  Hey, at least he gets prune smoothies in the morning.

I had some time to think and ponder my strategy for this season while packaging blown glass phallic symbols on the dock.  DaKidd believes this is the year the ship gets turned on its mast.

Like the metaphor?  Been sitting on that one since watching Cousin Emmett crawl out of a dinghy fresh off God knows what with the newly widowed Mrs. Kravitz.

God, she has jacked up toes.  But I digress… Florida State shocks Bama, and here’s why..

Alabama is on a losing streak.  They lost to Clemson in last season’s national championship game and they lost Lane Kiffin.  If Lane had been directing the Tide offense, they would have easily bested an over-matched Clemson bunch. Lane is the best coach in America, but no one will listen to him.

And Saban’s “impenetrable” defense was on the field when the Tigers marched the length of the field and shoved it in Saint Nick’s L’il Debbie hole.

The Achilles heal of Satan’s…I mean Saban’s defense, has always been a mobile QB who can pass.  That French bastard, Ricky Jean François, can skate.  DaKidd learned about that Ç (known as Cedilla) from a French Moroccan gal named, “Sophie”.

Her momma makes the best streusel, but that’s a long, messy story full of intrigue, taboo, and frosting for another blogspot.

On the defensive side of the ball for the Injuns, that all-purpose d-back, Derwin James,  who, by the way, missed most of last season due to injury, once hit a Miami WR so hard that he made a sound that resembled something coming out of the anti-Christ in the bathroom after taco Tuesday.

That kid is a hammer.  First rounder.  I expect the Tide to regroup and win the West with all that blue-chip, 5-star bullsh*t, but they are catching the Noles early, and Jimbo has lived his entire life for this moment.  He endured the cat that solidified the moniker, “Criminoles” in Jameis Winston,

and he’s perched to put another peck in the armor of The Titan of T-Town.  Criminoles not only cover the 7.5, they win outright, 30-27.

Big Money versus Big Daddy

Michigan versus Florida. Harbaugh versus McElwain. Coke versus Diet Coke. This game has about as much intrigue as a probe of Trump’s alleged ties to Russia.

Speaking of probes, did you hear how DaKidd got injured in the offseason??? He followed his muse, Lane Kiffin, to Orlando.

He took a side-hustle with a glass blown dildo company.

While loading up some “Black & Blue’s” on a dock, he slipped and fell on Joey Freshwater. The accident report noted serious and repeated trauma to DaKidd’s bottom. They officially termed it “cockimus impalimus assimus.”

He’s back on the mend and sources say he’s sworn off all-male gang bangs for at least a year. His proctologist has advised against sex for at least 6 months, but his dentist says everything is good up top.

DaKidd’s proclivities notwithstanding, I am excited about this years college football season. Let’s head up to the land the moronic liberal politicians have virtually destroyed and check in on the most overpaid college coach in America.

The khakis are pressed and ready to go. Not since Duckhead’s were the official trouser of college frat boys in the late 80’s has a cheap pair of chinos been in such demand in Ann Arbor.

Coach Jim Harbaugh has put the gulp back in milk and has Maize & Blue nation thinking Natty. This cat drinks more milk than I did when my wife was breastfeeding our kids.

On the other side of the field, Jim Bob Duggar (McElwain) spent the hiatus from making kid #20 to suspend 10 players, including his top receiver. Michelle’s womb has less security than than a white pride rally in Charlottesville.

Here’s a Mother Goose nursery rhyme: There once was a Duggar, who had a show on TV, she had so many kids, her uterus fell out.

As I have said before, football is Jim Bob’s escape from his human hatchery back home. The Gators are eager to prove they belong amongst the nation’s elite.

Harbaugh on the other hand needs to validate his $9 million salary…

Vegas has Michigan as 4.5 point fave. I think this will be close early, but the Harbaugh magic is working, and that’ll be the difference. Michigan wins 27-17.

The ever predictable ESPN will say this proves the Big10 is better than the SEC. ESPN is bleeding credibility like DaKidd bleeds chips after a 72-hour bender @ Harrah’s in Tunica. In reality, Florida is the 5th best team in the SEC, while Michigan is the 2nd best team in the Big10. So, until a Big10 team actually scores in the CFB playoffs, shut your pie hole Kirk.