Monthly Archives: October 2017

The Unusual Request

Ohio State has been fighting an uphill battle to get back into the playoff hunt since being embarrassed on their home field by Baker Mayfield and the Oklahoma Sooners.

Getting an opponents flag planted at  midfield in your home stadium is like getting asked to share a shower by Jerry Sandusky.

By the way, a petition to officially change the name of Penn State University to Penn Sodomy University is up to 453 people, which accounts for the entire published enrollment for NAMBLA (North American Man Boy Love Association).

NAMBLA President Paul Ryan says, “Bringing sodomy out of the Penn State showers and into the mainstream is our number one objective. I have long referred to my lovers member as the Nittany Lion.”

But I digress…for Urban Meyer that flag plant was a wake-up call. Deep down he knew what needed to be done. A meeting was scheduled between Urb’s people and representatives for Smuggy the Urb Nog Mole at the IHOP just outside of Columbus.

The relationship between Urb and his mole had deteriorated to such a point that the mole had even threatened to file for emancipation from Urb’s nog. So, a sit down was long overdue.

Smuggy had been humbled by his recent defeat in US District Court in its bid to be deemed a person. The Court in its response lambasted Smuggy for, “wasting the court’s time with this idiotic and ridiculous suit.” Smuggy was visibly disappointed outside the courtroom but vowed to continue his fight for moles everywhere.

Yours truly chronicled Smuggy’s bid for personhood and correctly predicted the Buckeyes loss to the Sooners in my Week 2 RANT.

Even though Smuggy lost in court, he may have won in the end. Gabriel Macht’s mole reached out to Smuggy…

and suggested an orgy with Eva Mendes’ mole…

Image result for eva mendes mole

and several of the moles from Morgan Freeman.

Smuggy has yet to agree to the unusual request. Although the thought of being with Macht’s mole has been a life-long fantasy, Smuggy was raised to be a bit racist so its not sure about getting with hispanic and black moles.

Regardless, Smuggy feels validated and somewhat vindicated by Macht’s mole’s request and has begun to develop a relationship with the actor’s protuberance. Urb apologized for not giving Smuggy his share of the credit for their shared success, and most importantly, not allowing Smuggy to write the forward in Urb’s latest book.

They came to the understanding that they need each other in order to achieve the greatness they both desire. So, from this point forward, Urban and Smuggy will work together… Smuggy calling the shots, and Urb coaching the team.

The impact of this alliance has been very noticeable on the field. The Buckeyes are playing well and rolling through opponents like Harvey Weinstein through young actresses.

Penn State HC James Franklin is beginning to feel the pressure of being a top-ranked team. Its sorta like when DaKidd has a great weekend in Vegas…he knows its only a matter of time before he’s in a seedy motel with a Tunica stripper and her husband.

The Nittany Lions upset victory over Ohio State last year has been a huge motivator for the Buckeyes. They are geeked and ready to show the nation that the road to the BIG 10 championship still runs through the Horseshoe.

To that end, Vegas has installed Ohio State as a 7 point fave. I think this will be a close one with the Buckeyes getting out to a 2 touchdown lead, and holding off a furious Penn State comeback. Appropriately, Penn Sodomy gets a backdoor cover with a late TD. Ohio State 24 Penn State 21.

APB Out for Touchdown Jesus

Cousin Emmett has finally lost it. He sent me a photo last night of Touchdown Jesus.

In his van.  Yes, Emmett stole touchdown Jesus.  He says he did it to use it as a prop for a Madonna-like naked photo shoot with his new girlfriend.

Listen, DaKidd is a freedom of expression kinda guy.  But stealing Jesus?!  Take Buddha from a temple.  Gank a Dalai Lama from the dime store.

But don’t steal touchdown Jesus.

Emmett’s gonna burn for that.  Let’s be honest, Emmett’s gonna burn for a lot of reasons.  Mostly for what happened with that Down’s Syndrome gal on the bus to Meridian.  I just stop with that.

Speaking of Down’s, does Sam Darnold have trisomy-21?  Have you seen this cat?!

Looks like he goes around campus sniffing bicycle seats.  He’s the worst “great” quarterback I’ve ever seen.

And who is even the coach at USC?  Those cheerleaders are special though, trust me, they’re special.

But this Trojan program has gone from feared to feminine.

Speaking of coaches, Brian Kelley looks like the spawn of ex-Longhorn linebacker, Lonnie Brantley, and a fat leprechaun.

Remember Brantley?  Yeah, neither does the media guide.

Kelley’s Irish have obviously made some changes from last season’s dumpster fire of a season and are one point from being undefeated.  There’s motivation for the Irish from last season’s loss to the Trojans, and the Archdioces has put out an APB for Touchdown Jesus.

Fans are convinced USC fans have stolen the statue and are desecrating it somewhere.  Little do they know the desecration and depravity going on in Emmett’s van..

USC is in the hunt still for the playoff.  But so are the Irish.  Expect a low scoring, close game in South Bend as Notre Dame wins a close one, 26-20.

Cat Fight on the Bayou

When LSU fired Les Miles early last season, they hoped they could get a home-run hire. When Tom Herman rebuffed their advances, along with every other big name coach, LSU turned to one of their own, Ed Orgeron.

Ed O is known as one of the best recruiters in college football, even though Coach O has never spoken an intelligible word in his life. When LSU announced the hire, cajuns ere’where came outta the bayou to celebrate. The ditches were spotless after LSU alums gathered up ingredients for their gumbo.

Of course the southern Louisiana school has long been known for their toothless tradition. Upon graduation or ten years in school, whichever comes first, LSU students have any remaining teeth extracted in a drunken ceremony that resembles a voodoo ritual.

A recent study of all colleges & universities was conducted, LSU has the highest percentage of alums who are married to a relative. Ole Miss is a close second. When polled, over 80% of respondents said they would marry their sister all over again. Questions: if two LSU grads get divorced, who keeps the trailer???

Incest as a way of life goes hand in hand with crawfish boils. Keeping it in the family is what cajun life is all about and why hiring Orgeron made so much sense, at least to an administration with no forks in the family tree.

However, when the Tigers lost to lowly Troy @ Death Valley, the lovefest came to an abrupt halt. Fortunately, Hurricane Harvey washed tons of fresh death into the swamps around Baton Rouge so Tiger fans have more important things to focus on, like storing more food for the winter.

Image result for roadkill squirrel

The Auburn Tigers come to town having not won in Death Valley this century. The only place harder to win than Death Valley is the Malzahn bedroom after a Gus loss on the field. Kristie Malzahn made it clear to Gus back when he coached Hughes High School…win and you’re in!

Waffles and punanny are more than enough motivation for Gus. He’s made winning games and plowing Kristi a way of life. She may be a bit crazy, but that pays off when shes hangs that whistle around his neck, and strips out of her cheerleader uni.

It’ll take more than motivation to beat LSU in Baton Rouge. They will need Kerryon Johnson and Jarrett Stidham to play big. Auburn has a great chance to win out and play for all the marbles.

LSU hopes to play spoiler. Sorta like when Bobby Boucher led the Mud Dogs to an upset win in the Bourbon Bowl back in ’98..

Image result for bobby boucher mama

Look for Malzahn to have maple syrup and Kristi on his breath Sunday morning as the Auburn Tigers down the LSU Tigers 19-15.

Kim Jong Un Big Trouble

Cousin Emmett just got word of fighter jets landing in College Station.   North Korean fighter jets.

Apparently the world’s largest pretend army rushed out with their air rifles and plastic cap guns and attempted to defend the Bryan/College Station people from the invasion.

Image result for corps of cadets

It has been widely reported that Kim Jong Un has wanted a piece of Bama for some time.  Well Kim Jong, you’ve got your chance.  Gotta hand it to the guy for going after the weaponless Aggie Army to hijack a football team.

Even knowing the North Koreans are playing in full combat gear with live ammo, Vegas only moved the line a point and a half.  The Tide are still favored 25 over the Dragons (I mean, they’re Asians, so I’m taking a stab in the dark here).

Emmett also swears he saw Kim Jong suiting up in the little dragon mascot outfit to avoid detection.  Unfortunately for the chubby chief,  the only chance North Korea stands is if someone goes all Stephen Paddock in the Tide locker room before the opening kick.  Too soon?

Yeah, f$%k you.  DaKidd has a raging hangover from dealing with some Asians himself until 6:00am this morning.

Image result for asian hookers

DaKidd has a big 2-gamer on the line with Auburn and Texas Tech.  But I digress.

Bama will win this game vs. the Aggies or Dragons or whoever the hell shows up to square off with Saban’s Soldiers at Kyle Field today, but the Aggies have enough talent to backdoor cover the Tide.  Speaking of backdoor, one of these Asians is calling.  Gotta bolt.

Image result for ugly asian girl

Bama 44  Kim Jong Aggies 24

Showers Are Safe Again

When James Franklin left the sleepy campus of Vanderbilt to take over Penn State’s Nittany Lions just 3 years removed from the “Soap A Dope” scandal, it was hailed as a great hire. The folks in Happy Valley were none-to-happy to talk about something other than Jerry Sandusky.

Image result for jerry sandusky

Unfortunately, the same could not be said for the peeps over at NAMBLA. The North American Man Boy Love Association viewed Penn State as the perfect location to initiate new recruits.

Image result for nambla

Long relegated to Boy Scout camps, the YMCA, and alter boys, pedophiles have historically needed to lurk around groups of boys in order to cut the weak ones from the herd. But, at Penn State they were just packed in showers. Grad assistant Joe Miller said banging boys in a shower was like shooting hicks at a concert.

Image result for pedophile

DaKidd enjoys a similar annual rite of passage when he and a few boys he graduated high school with relive their locker room soapfest at a secluded cabin in the woods of West Virginia under the guise of a fishing trip. Problem is… the only poles these boys are packing are in their shorts. No association with NAMBLA can be definitively documented but it has never been denied.

Current NAMBLA President Paul Ryan said, “Our ability to fight the oppression and prejudice that pedophiles face every day is the civil rights battle of our time.”

Image result for paul ryan workout

Franklin has been diligently working to polish the tarnished image of Penn State. He eliminated the “how they look in the shower” criteria in favor of “how they play of the field” when recruiting players. And Lions are benefiting.

Image result for James franklin

Last season, Franklin was on the hot-seat after being blown off the field by Michigan. By the way, the hot-seat is how Sandusky used to describe his shower experiences. But, an improbable victory over THE Ohio State Buckeyes infused Franklin’s team with confidence that helped them close the season with a great run capped off by a narrow loss to USC in the Rose Bowl.

This season, Penn State is undefeated and riding high. They roll into Ryan Field as 14 point faves for an 11am kickoff. They have the best player in college football in Saquan Barkley. He looks to extend his lead in the Heisman race against a depleted Wildcat defense.

Image result for saquon barkley

Across the field, Pat Fitzgerald is a great motivator of mediocre but intelligent talent. Much like Franklin at Vandy, Fitz gets the most out of his student athletes when competing against the professionals that are bought and paid for at Michigan, Ohio State, and Penn State.

This is a trap game for Penn State; early kickoff, road game, intelligent team. The Wildcats’ bid for an upset comes to an end with a late game score. So, take Northwestern and the points and your bank account will grow faster than the murder rate in nearby Chicago. Penn State 23 Northwestern 19.

Image result for chicago mayor

The Wildcats will again attempt to convince themselves that “its alright, its ok, Penn State grads will work for us one day.”