Amber Alert Issued For Reveille

A couple of weeks ago, Brett Bielema’s Arkansas Razorbacks got a much needed win against TCU on the road a few miles down Interstate 30 in Fort Worth. Friends of Jen Bielema have noticed how she is walking funny since that epic road win.

When pressed Jen finally revealed that during a late night game of Twister, Bert lost his balance reaching for a Zaxby’s chicken finger and collapsed on top of Jen, pinning her to the hardwood floor. It took Bert several tries before he could roll himself off and in the process wrenched Jen’s knee. 

Bert addressed the incident on Twitter saying simply, “injuries are a part of having sex!”

Bert is one of the most interesting coaches in all of college football. He is a quote machine, but he is also a pretty darn good football coach.

Bert has been experimenting with analytics. Analytics is basically using statistics to determine play selection and other situational decisions in order to put the odds in your favor. 

Here are some stats: 38% of the time Arkansas has a 3rd and 8 or more yards and there are less than 4 minutes left in the game…and Arkansas is trailing by 2 or more points, Bielema eats a Zagnut.

When the opponent is inside the Arkansas red zone, and the Arkansas defense is in its nickel package, Brett reaches for a BLT.

Brett is 65% more likely to smuggle a plate of jalapeƱo poppers and two YooHoo’s under his long-sleeved pullover at AT&T Stadium against Texas A&M. Brett loves him some stats!!!

The only stat that matters is that Arkansas has lost the last two games against the Aggies in heartbreaking fashion. In both contests, Arkansas had the game well in hand only to allow the Aggies to eek out wins by giving up some big plays late.

The Aggies come in ranked 10th in the country and feeling that a win today could propel them into the driver’s seat in the SEC West. It’s a far cry from the end of last season when A&M Head Coach Kevin Sumlin saw his two 5-star quarterbacks transfer. He then was able to land Oklahoma reject Trevor Knight. That, and his stud D-ends have righted all that was wrong in Aggieland.

But, an incident on the campus of Texas A&M late Thursday night threatens to derail the Aggies national championship aspirations. The Aggie mascot, Reveille, may not be able to attend the game in Arlington.

The Dallas Morning News reported this morning that Reveille is resting comfortably at an undisclosed veterinarian clinic in the Dallas/Fort Worth metroplex. The pooch was injured during an annual Aggie right of passage. 

Started in 1963, the “F$%k the Dog” night at Kyle Field on the campus of Texas A&M is one of the most cherished traditions in the school’s storied history. It involves Corps of Cadet freshmen taking turns on a blind-folded Reveille as Yell Leaders chant “DO IT, DO IT, DO IT.”

Word out of College Station is that the over-eager freshman who failed to properly lube, has been expelled from the university and is facing criminal charges. The University has promised to improve its freshman educational program to include safe dog sex protocols.

Kevin Sumlin dismissed questions about the incident saying his team is loose and ready to play. However, an athletic department staffer has said that players are losing sleep and very concerned the mascot will not be on the field.

That’s all the break the Hogs need to right the wrongs of the last two years at the Southwest Classic at Cowboy’s Stadium. I’ve got the Hogs winning this game out-right setting up a huge clash of top 10 undefeateds in a couple of weeks when the Tide rolls into Fayetteville. Arkansas 33 Texas A&M 31.

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