All posts by KiddVegas

APB Out for Touchdown Jesus

Cousin Emmett has finally lost it. He sent me a photo last night of Touchdown Jesus.

In his van.  Yes, Emmett stole touchdown Jesus.  He says he did it to use it as a prop for a Madonna-like naked photo shoot with his new girlfriend.

Listen, DaKidd is a freedom of expression kinda guy.  But stealing Jesus?!  Take Buddha from a temple.  Gank a Dalai Lama from the dime store.

But don’t steal touchdown Jesus.

Emmett’s gonna burn for that.  Let’s be honest, Emmett’s gonna burn for a lot of reasons.  Mostly for what happened with that Down’s Syndrome gal on the bus to Meridian.  I just stop with that.

Speaking of Down’s, does Sam Darnold have trisomy-21?  Have you seen this cat?!

Looks like he goes around campus sniffing bicycle seats.  He’s the worst “great” quarterback I’ve ever seen.

And who is even the coach at USC?  Those cheerleaders are special though, trust me, they’re special.

But this Trojan program has gone from feared to feminine.

Speaking of coaches, Brian Kelley looks like the spawn of ex-Longhorn linebacker, Lonnie Brantley, and a fat leprechaun.

Remember Brantley?  Yeah, neither does the media guide.

Kelley’s Irish have obviously made some changes from last season’s dumpster fire of a season and are one point from being undefeated.  There’s motivation for the Irish from last season’s loss to the Trojans, and the Archdioces has put out an APB for Touchdown Jesus.

Fans are convinced USC fans have stolen the statue and are desecrating it somewhere.  Little do they know the desecration and depravity going on in Emmett’s van..

USC is in the hunt still for the playoff.  But so are the Irish.  Expect a low scoring, close game in South Bend as Notre Dame wins a close one, 26-20.

The Jewz in Da Hood

Did you hear the one about the Catholic priest and the Jewish rabbi walking by the school playground?

The priest says, “Hey, let’s go f@$k some of those boys!  And the rabbi responds, “Out of what?”

Speaking of Jews, enter Josh Rosen aka Chosen Rosen.

He’s got the entire synagogue distracted from mergers and acquisitions and watching sports again for the first time since Mark Spitz won a few swim meet ribbons.

And when did swimming ever count as a sport?!  The f*k??   “Swimming” is something you do on a raft while enjoying cocktails with models, not a sport.

I’m sorry Michael Phelps, go smoke a bowl and eat my footlong Subway schlong.

Rosen was circumcised on the 8th day, but he’s no mensch.  Cousin Emmett tells me a story of intrigue that wreaks of an Oxford, Mississippi-sized cover up.

According to a reliable source, young Rosen burned the local synagogue to the ground.  Rumor has it, 8th grade Rosen was whacking off backstage and neglected his menorah after it was lit.  The local fire chief, an Hasidic Jew (Coincidence?  Think again, Mordecai!)

blamed the incident on a “faulty candelabra”, but DaKidd is backing Cousin Emmett’s story all day.  Then there’s the time in 10th grade when Rosen was caught playing, “Hide the German helmet” with then senior, Bat Sheva Abramowicz.  His parents pulled him from Yeshiva High School and sent him to Don Bosco Prep, and the rest is history.

Listen, DaKidd has liked Rosen’s skill set since seeing his film out of high school.

This kid knows how to win.  UCLA should roll into the Delta, ram it up Memphis’s man-gina, slog down some barbecue and beers, and head back West, right?  Not so fast, homie.

This game is being played in the Hood.  This is the biggest game Memphis has seen since Earl Manigault (aka, Earl The Goat) showed up at Booker T. Washington playground in the early 70’s and took rib money from the White Station starting 5.

Smokes would tell you it was when he and 4 dorm losers took Penny Hardaway and crew to the wire in a pickup game when he was visiting Memphis State, but that went about as good as his first nerf dunk.

Memphis is physical.  Like the Deep South, whoop your ass and pee on your truck tough.  Erebody is picking the Bruins.  DaKidd says go the other way.  Take the Tigers and the points, eat some Rendezvous for me, and don’t forget to support local artists like my Cousin Emmett while you’re there.

He’ll have some velvet vagina paintings and some glass penis looking things for sale out front.

Look for a van.  Or a hatchback Gremlin if he rides with his woman.  Mention DaKidd, and he’ll hook you up with a free Rumpshakers of Shelby County calendar.  He took all the photos himself. So bet this one hard, Memphis covers the 4 spot and beats UCLA, 28-24.

On a side note, Smokes has somehow hit his first two games against the spread.

He must be blowing Danny Sheridan for intel or something, cause he ain’t that good.  To rectify this anomaly, here are a few bonus picks to make things square:

LSU covers…38-17 over Miss State. Birds cover, Louisville 30 Clemson 27. Herman rights the ship and the Horns cover, USC 33 Texas 30.

Slash Me Baby!

Bret Bielema has procreated in the off-season.

Ok, Jen actually had a baby.  Yours truly thinks the kid is a spitting image of Razorback linebacker, Dre Greenlaw…

but this is a judgement free rant.

Assuming it is Bret’s spawn, do you think a baby with a 19 1/2 inch neck will ever get a date?!  She will if momma teaches her the art of picking up men with large…buyouts.

The Hogs are stuck with Bret at least another year, as it would cost them $12 large waffles to buy Bret out.  Since he’s coaching my Hogs for now, we might as well find a way he can win.

TCU’s field general, Kenny Hill, went all throat slashing reaper last year in this game, and that penalty ultimately cost the Frogs the game as Arkansas got the ball in great field position with a chance to score late in regulation and send the game to overtime.

What a role model.  You’re the head QB, and clearly the most important non-bovine creature in all of Fort Worth, and you go all Blood v. Crips on us?!  But don’t fret, he couldn’t cut it at Texas A&M and he led the Frogs to a 6-7 finish.  He’s a winner.  Clearly.

On the opposing side of the ball, Arkansas has a bonafide monster.  His name is Sosa Agim.

This guy is a freak show.  One man can’t stop him. That’s why he gets double-teamed more than Smokes at a gay cigar bar.

DaKidd is going on the record right now and saying Sosa Agim will be a Top 10 NFL draft pick after next football season.  He’s already the best D-lineman in the country – and no one has heard of him.  That all changes Saturday afternoon on CBS.

On the other side line, we have Gary penis patter.  Is it just me, or does he look like a guy who eats his own boogers?

And I’ll bet he likes them perfectly round and fresh.  But he’s is one of the top 15 highest paid coaches is in all of college football, and has turned TCU into a program of relevance.

His quarterback, Throat Slasher, is an A&M reject who is quicker than Smokes on top of one of those cigar lounge boys.

Cousin Emmett was painting a bathroom wall up in Fayetteville and overheard Razorback fans saying the Hogs had no chance.

No chance?!  These same teams played last year in Cattleville, and the Hogs dominated the Frogs for 3 1/2 quarters before ultimately winning in double overtime as 10 point dogs.

DaKidd cashed in big in Vegas on that one, and ended the night a set of Siamese twins…

Talk about double overtime…but it got messy.  Afterwards, I didn’t know which Siamese twin was texting me.  They have the same hands for god sakes.👐🏼

On the field, TCU has the better coach.  Arkansas has home field.  Athletes are about the same caliber.  I like Austin Allen as a 2nd year starter to make a couple more plays than Throat Slasher.  Hogs 31 Frogs 24.

Criminoles Charged With Stealing

I’m back, b!tches.  DaKidd took part of last season off.  Had to run some sh*t down to the Keys with Cousin Emmett.

No, not THAT kinda sh*t, some artwork. Cousin Emmett has found a new resurgence in blown glass.

Looks like dildos to me, but Emmett has carved out a nice little niche in South Florida.  DaKidd would probably still be there if my Jai Alai ring hadn’t been infiltrated by Monroe County’s finest.  And I needed a date.

DaKidd draws the line at finger banging widowed retirees in the camper outside of Golden Corral.

Not judging Emmett, just not for DaKidd.  Hey, at least he gets prune smoothies in the morning.

I had some time to think and ponder my strategy for this season while packaging blown glass phallic symbols on the dock.  DaKidd believes this is the year the ship gets turned on its mast.

Like the metaphor?  Been sitting on that one since watching Cousin Emmett crawl out of a dinghy fresh off God knows what with the newly widowed Mrs. Kravitz.

God, she has jacked up toes.  But I digress… Florida State shocks Bama, and here’s why..

Alabama is on a losing streak.  They lost to Clemson in last season’s national championship game and they lost Lane Kiffin.  If Lane had been directing the Tide offense, they would have easily bested an over-matched Clemson bunch. Lane is the best coach in America, but no one will listen to him.

And Saban’s “impenetrable” defense was on the field when the Tigers marched the length of the field and shoved it in Saint Nick’s L’il Debbie hole.

The Achilles heal of Satan’s…I mean Saban’s defense, has always been a mobile QB who can pass.  That French bastard, Ricky Jean François, can skate.  DaKidd learned about that Ç (known as Cedilla) from a French Moroccan gal named, “Sophie”.

Her momma makes the best streusel, but that’s a long, messy story full of intrigue, taboo, and frosting for another blogspot.

On the defensive side of the ball for the Injuns, that all-purpose d-back, Derwin James,  who, by the way, missed most of last season due to injury, once hit a Miami WR so hard that he made a sound that resembled something coming out of the anti-Christ in the bathroom after taco Tuesday.

That kid is a hammer.  First rounder.  I expect the Tide to regroup and win the West with all that blue-chip, 5-star bullsh*t, but they are catching the Noles early, and Jimbo has lived his entire life for this moment.  He endured the cat that solidified the moniker, “Criminoles” in Jameis Winston,

and he’s perched to put another peck in the armor of The Titan of T-Town.  Criminoles not only cover the 7.5, they win outright, 30-27.

No Brows vs Duggar

Tennessee hasn’t beaten the Gay-tors in over a decade. Jim Bob Duggar hasn’t had to rub one out in over a decade. Here’s to you, Michelle “Drain My Man Dry Everytime and Ruin My Uterus” Dugger.

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Look, Da Kidd knows McElwain is the coach of the Gay-tors, but he is Jim Bob Duggar’s doppelgänger, so I’m rolling with that.

Tennessuck is 3-0 behind Josh “Nobrows” Dobbs.

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The Tennessean just reported that he’s the first Trisomy 21 quarterback to start a season in the SEC 3-0. Jamarcus Russell was rumored to have some retardation, but it turns out he was just stupid.

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Florida has been less offensive the last 5 years than the smell in the Duggar house during afternoon home-school math class. While Duggar is scoring at home, the Gay-tors can’t seem score on the field-with their offense.

Now they’re using a re-tread from Smokes alma mater, Purdue. Yes, Pur”f$%kin”due. That’s never a good sign. But that defense is badass. They’ve got athletes at every position.

Tennessee is more overhyped than Hillary Rodham Clinton’s heterosexuality. They just aren’t very good. And Da Kidd has learned something over the years: never, ever, EVER bet against a streak.

If a girl keeps swallowing, keep showing up with flowers and beer. And if Florida has won 11 a row, bet them getting 6 points vs. Tennessuck. Gay-tor defense can score 21, which will be enough. 24-17 Duggars.

Becky Goes to Brown Town???

Did you see the corn-holing Sparty gave the Irish last weekend? A beautiful thing indeed. The only thing better than Notre Dame getting sodomized by a big green man is when Da Kidd is going to brown town himself.

Which, incidentally, would be the only reason Kidd would ever take his action to East Lansing for anything other than a high-stakes no-limit game.

Speaking of high stakes, do you know how much they pay Dantonio? Cat’s banking close to $5 mil/per! Think Becky Dantonio sports an LV? As in Louis Vuitton?

In my world, an “LV” is a loose vagina, but not in poor Mark’s world. An LV in his world costs $3,000, is slung over his wife’s shoulder, and doesn’t come with a happy ending. Poor bastard.

You gotta love Wisconsin coach, Paul, “The Messiah” Chryst. This fella was born in Madison, Wisconsin, played quarterback for the Badgers, and is now their head coach. Messiah has gone 13-3 since Bret Bielema plugged Madison’s Hershey highway and headed for the land of real football.

This game will be ugly. Yes, the game will be ugly, but I’m talking about the cheerleaders and the fans. People from the midwest are by-and-large, a ghastly group that look like crime in the face.

Look for the Badgers to keep it close, get 2 big turnovers, and pull the upset late in East Sh*ttsville with a 27-24 win. And look for Becky Dantonio to be slingin’ that LV. You know which one..

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Wampum? They’re Gunna Kill ‘Em!

The two biggest douchebag coaches in all of football square off in Norman, OK. When I hear, Norman, Oklahoma, Da Kidd immediately thinks of losing his virginity.

I was 11 and visiting my cousin, Chastity (irony of ironies on her name for sure) at the Chi Omega house in Norman for the OU/Nebraska game. It was raining, and I had spent the previous night hustling some Sig Eps out of beer money. Even though I had a hefty bet on the Sooners, I didn’t want to get my hair all wet.

So, I stayed in the sorority house and watched it on TV.  Until “Shaw-nee” walked in. She was part Injun Nation, and she caused me to miss most of the morning games. Yes, I said “games”… plural, DaKidd has always been a performer.

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Wonder if she still thinks about that Saturday tryst as she makes wampum and corn meal on the reservation? I still get turned on every time I see a headdress full of feathers.

Urban Meyer is the smuggest sunuvabitch on the planet. The stress of the SEC got to him once Timmy Tebow left to pursue his professional career.

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Speaking of Tebow’s career, did you see he’s playing pro-baseball now??  WTF, Timmy? It’s time to focus on losing your virginity. Trust me, it’s time.  There’s nothing rash about getting some gash.

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I know a good Injun girl that’s probably lonely since I left her in the shower to go back to watching football. Sorry babe, I was eleven and had sh!t to do.

Smokes respects Urb. DaKidd thinks he should die in a diesel fire. Urban epitomizes “punkass-ness”.

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That b@stard cost me a house in the Hamptons when he called a TD pass while up 38 with :35 seconds to go once. Yes, a diesel fire is in order. DaKidd will strike the match.

Big game Bob slobbed the ol’ knob in week one.

Oklahoma head coach Bob Stoops looks on during Oklahoma football media day on Aug. 6. The Sooners will start out top-ranked in The Associated Press college football poll for the 10th time, more than any program in the country. (AP Photo/Sue Ogrocki)

But this game is in Norman. Unless he you are wearing red and white and your mascot is a little covered wagon, you can’t win in Norman.

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Boomer’s season is on the line here. Gone are the days of shooting AK 47’s out of the football dorm windows, but The Sooners are still immensely talented. Baker Mayfield has the best game of his career en route to a Big Boomer win.  Oklahoma 37 Ohio State 33.

Sex Wins Games

This game features the most oversexed and most undersexed coaches in America. On one hand, you’ve got Bobby “Muthur-F$&kin” Petrino (BMFP), and let me just tell you, that cat gets his. More on that later. On the opposing sideline, you have a coach that is in more dire need of a BJ than any man on the planet.

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Have you heard this guy talk the last 3 years? He’s wound tighter than Dick’s hatband. Cousin Emmett tells me two weeks ago that Jimbo Fisher had to be pulled off of Jamison Winston whilst humping his leg after the comeback win against Ole Miss.

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Yeah, Da Kidd just dropped a “whilst” on you. Yeah, I went to college. Flunked out of Ethics 101 because of a late night poker game at the Sahara… that was easier money than betting against Smokes’ picks, but I digress.

BMFP is turning b!tches down on campus, on motorcycles, on random Tuesdays, and Jimbo is relegated to trying to play with the ball sac of Chief Osceola’s horse, Renegade, to get any action.

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Folks, this is no small matter. Who’s going to be more ready to focus on playing the biggest game of the season so far? A post-nutted and relaxed Bobby Petrino, or a pent-up Jimbo? Advantage playa.

BMFP has two things: 1) A mobile and accurate quarterback (who, by the way, cousin Emmett swears has a c@ck bigger than Renegade) and 2) He’s got M*f*ing swag.

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Swag is big these days. It’s hip. It wins ball games. And BMFP has it in spades. His players believe, too. Yes, FSU has a black, French quarterback. WTF?! Doesn’t that make him Senegalese by definition?!

They also have the best running back in the country not named Fournette in Dalvin Cook. Calvin is a bad, bad man, but… they can’t c&ck-swing like the Cards.

And this game will be determined by who plays the loosest. My money is on a post-coital Petrino. Cards upset the apple cart in the ACC at home and send Jimbo in search of a frightened Renegade. Louisville 34 CrimiNOLES 27

Lil Abner’s Chicken

You ever get ever get tired of hearing something? I’ve got a buddy whose wife always bitches about him leaving his underwear on the floor.

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Personally, Da Kidd has gone commando for the last 15 years, but that’s not the point. You ever get tired of hearing something said to you or about you?

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Da Kidd gets tired of hearing that his anal sex to regular romp ratio is too high. Seriously?! That’s not even possible to make too high.

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There’s a reason I have a monicker. Da Kidd has needs. So does Nick Saban. I know most of the country hates little Nicky, but his teams have paid my tab at 5-star restaurants since junior high. I’m a fan.

My boy, Nick, is tired of hearing that his teams struggle against mobile quarterbacks. In fact, he’s downright red-assed about it.

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This Ole Miss team is coming apart at the seams. With the NCAA breathing down their neck’s with all of the cheating that’s been going on and with the tremendous loss of talent to the NFL, this Rebel team appears poised for a monumental collapse – beginning at the quarterback position. Chad Kelley is closer to a relapse than Charlie Sheen (names have been changed to protect the innocent).

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Really Ole Miss? The top players in California, Maryland, Ohio, and Florida want to come to Oxford for Abner’s Chicken and that esteemed degree?! No, you’ve been paying to get Momma’s hurr and nails did in da hood, and now the devil is collecting his due.

This may be the most talented defense Saban has ever had. That’s the equivalent of saying this skirt Da Kidd is dating may be the hottest piece he’s ever dated. Both big statements, but both are likely true.

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After two years of Hotty Toddy cramping the Tide’s style, pain is coming. As Doc Holliday said in the most quotable classic of all-time, “Tombstone”, “It’s not revenge he’s after. It’s a reckoning.”.

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Not only will the Tide roll up a ton of points, but Joey Freshwater’s offense will put up yardage on the Rebel’s Land Minnow defense faster than the boys at Grainster can blow through $200 million in Monopoly money.

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Da Kidd has bet 6 digits on the money line in this game (that’s Bama to just win the game, Smokes) and 5 digits on a Tide cover. It’s one of the easiest plays this professional has seen in a long, long time.

Da Kidd had inside information on the varmint flu that swept through the Virginia Tech locker room last week and doomed the Hokies vs. The Vols. And being the legend I am, I shared it with you.

Da Kidd also has inside information here. Alabama’s African American players have been promised a full bucket of Little Abner’s dark meat chicken on the square if they cover the 10.5 points.

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It’s a lock. This game WILL get ugly late. Sweet Home Alabama 52 Racist Rebels 17.

Redneckfest in Bristol

DaKidd is a sports fan. But NASCAR ain’t a sport. The real lines in this game are crowd related:

1. Of the 150,000 whiskey tango bravos (that’s “white trash” b*tches for the less informed) attending the Redneck Bowl, how many will be related?

The line is 125,000.5 of them. Why the “1/2” human line, Kidd? Have you seen any of these bushpig cooters that come out of the hills near Knoxville and Blacksburg?!

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When you see them, you’ll understand the concept of 1/2 a human line.

2. Number of actual teeth in those 150,000 critters? 149,000 1/2.

3. Number of Busch Lights consumed? 1,476,831 1/2

4. Number of children conceived during the game (including port-a-pottys)? 141 1/2

This game has so many things going on: hillbilly f$@kin’, moonshine baby bottles… cousin rape. There’s even a halftime scavenger hunt scheduled to find Joshua Dobbs’s eyebrows.

Have you seen this alien-looking m@therf$@ker?! Was he in a fire?

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There will be more, “By Gawd’s!” shouted at this game than a never-ending Roy D. Mercer 8-track.

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After all the mayhem, the vomit, and the family trains run on Ellie May, this game will be closer than expected..

***BREAKING NEWS: Cousin Emmett from Tennessee just called and said that a rare strain of varmint flu is going through the Virginia Tech locker room. DaKidd is taking the Vols minus the big spot. Varmint flu isn’t something to d*ck around with I hear.

Vols 33 Beamer-less Hokies 13