Cat Fight on the Bayou

When LSU fired Les Miles early last season, they hoped they could get a home-run hire. When Tom Herman rebuffed their advances, along with every other big name coach, LSU turned to one of their own, Ed Orgeron.

Ed O is known as one of the best recruiters in college football, even though Coach O has never spoken an intelligible word in his life. When LSU announced the hire, cajuns ere’where came outta the bayou to celebrate. The ditches were spotless after LSU alums gathered up ingredients for their gumbo.

Of course the southern Louisiana school has long been known for their toothless tradition. Upon graduation or ten years in school, whichever comes first, LSU students have any remaining teeth extracted in a drunken ceremony that resembles a voodoo ritual.

A recent study of all colleges & universities was conducted, LSU has the highest percentage of alums who are married to a relative. Ole Miss is a close second. When polled, over 80% of respondents said they would marry their sister all over again. Questions: if two LSU grads get divorced, who keeps the trailer???

Incest as a way of life goes hand in hand with crawfish boils. Keeping it in the family is what cajun life is all about and why hiring Orgeron made so much sense, at least to an administration with no forks in the family tree.

However, when the Tigers lost to lowly Troy @ Death Valley, the lovefest came to an abrupt halt. Fortunately, Hurricane Harvey washed tons of fresh death into the swamps around Baton Rouge so Tiger fans have more important things to focus on, like storing more food for the winter.

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The Auburn Tigers come to town having not won in Death Valley this century. The only place harder to win than Death Valley is the Malzahn bedroom after a Gus loss on the field. Kristie Malzahn made it clear to Gus back when he coached Hughes High School…win and you’re in!

Waffles and punanny are more than enough motivation for Gus. He’s made winning games and plowing Kristi a way of life. She may be a bit crazy, but that pays off when shes hangs that whistle around his neck, and strips out of her cheerleader uni.

It’ll take more than motivation to beat LSU in Baton Rouge. They will need Kerryon Johnson and Jarrett Stidham to play big. Auburn has a great chance to win out and play for all the marbles.

LSU hopes to play spoiler. Sorta like when Bobby Boucher led the Mud Dogs to an upset win in the Bourbon Bowl back in ’98..

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Look for Malzahn to have maple syrup and Kristi on his breath Sunday morning as the Auburn Tigers down the LSU Tigers 19-15.

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