Category Archives: 2015 Season

‘Bama QB Coker Suspended for National Championship?

The NCAA has a launched a probe into whether or not Alabama QB Jake Coker has accepted money from an agent or sponsor. If true, this could have a potentially devastating effect on the Tide’s national championship aspirations.

Rumors have been swirling around Tuscaloosa that Coker has inked a deal to be the next spokesperson for acne treatment infomercial brand ProActiv.  

According to sources close to the story, Adam Levine,  
lead singer of Maroon 5, celebrity judge on The Voice and long-time ProActive spokesman, leaked the story to Bleacher Report, TMZ & Acne Illustrated because he was upset at being replaced as the brand’s leading spokesman by the younger, less Jewish Coker.

Shelley Smith of ESPN is reporting that ‘Bama OC Lane Kiffin introduced Coker to the ProActiv folks at a party he was throwing at the off-campus home of his alter-ego, Joey Freshwater. According to Smith, Kiffin met the head of ProActiv during his short-lived tryst with former ProActiv spokeswoman Sarah Michelle Gellar, aka Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

When asked, Coach Nick Saban refused to comment and quickly ended the presser. Sabes went off on Coker & Kiffin for bringing this distraction into the camp. Adding to the drama, NCAA head, Mark Emmert, serves on the ProActiv Board and is refusing to recuse himself even though there is a clear conflict of interest.

Vegas has dropped the line all the way down to Alabama -3.5 on the news. If Bama is forced to go with a backup or if Coker is not focused, it could be a long night for the Tide.

Clemson coach Dabo Sweeney is relishing all the attention being paid to the Tide. It’s allowed his Tigers to prepare with a lot less national attention. He’s been touching the rock every night for extra good luck.

I’ve been a keen observer of college football for many years and I expect Clemson to come out nervous and tight. Look for Clemson to get a heavy dose of Heisman winner Derrick Henry with a couple of big plays from Stephen Ridley on the outside. Bama survives this ordeal and pulls away for another Natty. Tide 32 Tigers 19.

Hogs v Cats

You’ve probably heard the saying “he’s forgotten more than I know.” In this game, that’s certainly the case. Kstate Coach Bill Snyder has forgotten more this year than Bielema will ever know.

He forgot where his office was twice, forgot his wife’s name and forgot he was supposed to be in a bowl game this year. What should we expect, the dude is old.

I mean the kind of old that played football before leather helmets were invented. This dudes so old, his social security number is just 2 digits. He’s so old, when he was growing up, running water meant go down to the creek and back. Dude is so old, he heard the sermon on the Mount LIVE!!!

Having said all that, he’s also a helluva good coach. He doesn’t have much talent to work with but they will play hard, be disciplined and not make mistakes.

Bielema on the other hand is fat. I mean the kind of fat that doesn’t even know it’s fat. Bielema is so fat, when he sits around the house, he’s usually eating sh*t. Cat’s so fat, he now bleeds gravy. Dudes so fat, for punishment players have to run around him.

Bert has just finished the two greatest eating holidays and he was in Olympic form. He packed more calories into his gut than Snoop Dog smokes blunt. But, he has the Razorbacks on pace to end this season with a better record than last year.

With Brandon Allen getting passed over for conference honors, they have a little chip on their shoulders. Playing in Memphis has presented a huge opportunity for Bert to crush some ribs, tour Graceland & hang out on Beale Street.

The Hogs were just a few plays away from making the Sugar Bowl, so they are ready to make a statement. Look for the Razorbacks to dominate the line of scrimmage and ultimately wear out the Wildcats. Alex Collins will run wild, Brandon Allen will light it up and the Razorbacks will win going away.

Normally, Da Kidd would prattle on about the point spread or something but alas he’s MIA…again. I think he’s touring Dollywood with some chicks family from Seveirville, TN.

In the past, he wudda just paid for sex, now he takes long road trips to resorts frequented by the elderly. He used to be on a first name basis with every casino owner in Vegas, now he’s trolling retirement villages looking for strange.

So, take my word for it, the Hogs will cover, Bielema will get indigestion and Da Kidd will have a wild story that includes a walker & blood pressure pills. UA 43 Kstate 17.

Michigan v Florida

Michigan is a couple a plays away from having a special season. They certainly exceeded most experts’ expectations in Harbaugh’s first year. He would love to take out an SEC opponent as an exclamation point to this season. His khakis are freshly laundered and his team is ready to go.

The other first year head coach Jim Bob McElwain of Florida is also enjoying a level of success few thought possible in Jimmy’s inaugural campaign, which is a nice respite from Jim’s personal life.

TMZ broke the story that Jim McElwain is indeed Jim Bob Duggar. With one of his sons teenage incest and use of the Ashley Madison hookup site getting exposed, the shine is sorta off the reality star’s family.

So, success on the gridiron in Gainesville has been a wonderful distraction to say the least. It also helps assuage his bruised ego from his failed bid to get another reality show on Lifetime.

With audiences tiring of the Duggars, he felt a spinoff was in order. It was a simple idea, combine the power of multi-kid families with polygamy. In this show, his son Josh would marry his mother and Kate Plus 8 star, Kate Goselin.

In Jim Bob’s mind, the drama created by putting these 2 families under the same roof, the friction between the two mothers & Josh’s penchant for “slapping bitches around,” would make for great entertainment.

Lifetime ultimately passed on the project because Jim Bob would not change the show’s name, “Pimping Out Your Wife & Kids for Cash.”

It’s been difficult to focus on the game with all that swirling around, so Florida will not be ready to play. The Gator offense is very weak and will struggle to score points. Michigan will dominate this game and win a lower scoring affair 24-9.

Buckeyes v Irish

Notre Dame HC Brian Kelly spent the early hours of this morning at mass. He lit a couple candles and prayed to Saint Rockne, the patron saint of Notre Dame football. His was a simple prayer, “in the name of all that is Holy, let me beat that smug sumbitch Urban Meyer in the Fiesta Bowl.”

Unfortunately, Kelly actually believes the ND Media Guide assertion that Knute Rockne is indeed a Saint. It is true that ND petitioned the Vatican for sainthood for the former coach, but he was never actually canonized. But, his prayer indicates the level or private disdain Kelly has for Meyer.

On the other hand, Urb, who people close to the coach say is extremely superstitious, meticulously followed his pre-bowl game ritual of petting his dog, Lucky, 3 times on the head, putting the left shoe on first, donning his white pre-game windbreaker, polishing his mole & running noses with his wife.

THE Ohio State University is now carrying the mantle of the Big10 after Sparty’s utter collapse to Bama 38-0. Urb is still miffed that his Buckeyes weren’t allowed to defend their title from last year and plans to take it out on the Irish. Even though he now lives in Dublin, Ohio, he wants to destroy the boys from South Bend.

Kirk Herbstreit is in a conundrum due to his affinity for ND and his love for his former university. OSU mascot Brutus had to comfort a sobbing Herbie after last nights pre-game tryst.

But, in the end, this game comes down to talent and speed versus tradition. State has em all in spades and ND just has tradition. Tradition doesn’t win football games, dudes with predispositions to committing felonies do and Urb loves to recruit felons.

If Da Kidd was awake and not sleeping off a night of chasing cougars around some Indian casino in Iowa, he’d tell you to pick state to cover. I’ll just tell you that the Luckeyes will win this one going away…OSU 34 Irish 21.

Bama v Sparty

This is setting up to be Bama’s year. Sabes has pushed all the right buttons and he has the Tide primed to secure another Natty, which will cement him as the greatest coach in college football history. Derrick Henry becomes the 2nd Heisman winner in Bama’s storied history.

An anonymous caller to the Paul Finebaum show reported seeing Lane Kiffin aka Joey Freshwater at the Palamino Club on Harry Hines Blvd in Dallas on a “recruiting” visit.

And as luck would have it, they get to play Michigan State. MSU is the poor mans Alabama. It took a lucky muffed punt for them to beat Michigan and squeaked out a win versus Iowa.

If Da Kidd wasn’t chasing skirt this New Years Eve, he’d be singing the praises of the Crimson Tide. He’d probably tell you about the time he lost his virginity to Big Al, the Bama mascot.

Why??? Cuz it’s the greatest accomplishment of his life so far. He still screams “roll tide” every time he drops a deuce.

So this game is about as interesting as watching Kaitlyn Jenner remove his/her bra. It’s another chalk pick for Smokes. I got Bama pulling away late 31-17.

Dabo v Big Game Bob

After being left out of the party last year, the Big12 gets their only power program, Oklahoma University, in the playoffs due to no other viable option.Their run thru perennially weak foes like Baylor, TCU & Okie State is sorta like Adele rolling thru a backstage buffet.

In fact, when tickets went on sale for her world tour, shares of the Golden Coral Corporation spiked due to the expected rise in sales. Adele loves a good buffet like Big Game Bob loves to lose big games.

Many of the pundits are proclaiming the Sooners as the best team in the land and they haven’t even beaten anyone yet. With a Texas Tech reject @ QB, the Sooners have bounced back from the beat down administered by the Longhorns in Dallas and feel they are ready to compete for another Natty.

On the other sideline, Dabo Sweeney has finally gotten his Tigers outta Death Valley and into the national spotlight. Not since the whole confederate flag flying over the state Capitol situation has South Carolina gotten this much positive press.

Word outta Washington is that SC Senator Lindsey Graham believes that a Clemson win would indicate that Hell has indeed frozen over and that he has a chance to actually win the presidency.

The Tiger faithful hasn’t been this geeked since Danny Ford was growling on the sideline and securing Clemson’s only national championship. Clemson will pack more racist bigots into Sun Life Stadium than pledge Sigma Alpha Epsilon in Norman each fall.

Last year, Clemson treated the Sooners like a freshman on a HS basketball team in East Tennessee, they took a broomstick to their a**. But in the end, I’m going with Nate Silver in this one. Clemson goes all…Clemson and chokes, reminding us why Dabo is Dabo. I got the Sooner 38 Tigers 34.

Aggies v Cardinals

For many, like Da Kidd, this is an intriguing matchup of offensive geniuses. For Smokes, this is a contest of overrated coaches with overblown egos.

There’s no doubt Lville coach Bob Petrino can scheme with the best of them. But his insistence that defense is a necessary evil that is to be shunned will forever keep him as a second tier coach. He’s as comfortable around defense as he looked in that neck brace he was sporting at his presser after plowing his intern & wrecking his bike. 

 Now he is back home in Louisville where he plays second fiddle to the real master Rick Pitino. Between Ricky nailing waitresses at IHOP & running a prostitution ring for recruits and Bobby blowing up chick’s phones on GameDay, the Pitino/Petrino tandem keeps the UL Campus Police SVU unit on their toes. 
Louisville is a basketball school and always will be. It’s the perfect place for a malcontent like Petrino. He can win 9-10 games a year and they’ll love him forever. 

Texas A&M on the other hand is not really even a school. It’s a place for kids who aren’t smart enough to go straight to military service but want to act like they are. They dress in militaryesque uni’s, they march around and they chant. Texas A&M is like that kid that’s the product of incest that everyone ignores because the parents are still married to their cousins. 

Their HC, Kevin Sumlin, is as I’ll-prepared to win in the SEC as a volleyball playing intern is to thwart Petrinos advances. After dropping $450mil on their new facilities, the administration realized that he was in way over his head. 

Of course, shallow thinkers like Da Kidd believe that top rated recruiting classes are the key to winning. It’s not the most important by a long shot (see Texas A&M & Ole Miss). 

Regardless, this is a meaningless games with meaningless programs. Even though Petrino is the better coach, I think Summy gets the better and pulls out a close one Aggies 34 Cardinals 31.

Texas A&M v Louisville

There’s more dysfunction in College Station than a KKK chapter that just discovered their grand dragon had a colored boy in his lineage.  It’s panda-lerium in Aggieland, and unless that word is used to describe a redneck Christmas, that’s not a good thing.  They’ve got white kids leavin, black kids leavin, hell, even Reveille was caught bangin a half-breed mutt after curfew over in Bryan, TX last weekend.

It’s a real sh*tstorm.  Is anyone really surprised by all this?  Hellooooo??!!  They don’t call ’em Aggie jokes for nuthin’ folks.  Yours truly actually thought A&M moving to the SEC West was the perfect scenario in propelling Texas A&M to a perennial college football power.

Well, yours truly underestimated the clusterf*cking power of an Aggie.  Kevin Sumlin has survived the gallows for the time being, but when you lose TWO 5-star quarterbacks in less than a week, it’s a pretty good sign that you suck as a coach.  Da KIDD is going to continue to enjoy watching the Aggies be Aggies.

On the other sideline, Bobby Petrino’s career has slithered its way back to relevance.  From head coach at Louisville, to a volleyball players skunk bunker, to a ditch in Farmington, AR, to Western Kentucky, back to the head coach at Louisville.  Wow! Bobby Petrino is Rasputin.  You can’t kill him.

He’s made it back from his exile in the Republic of Labia to being a 4 point favorite over the Faggies.  After starting 0-3, his Cardinals have won 7 of 9 including a field goal loss to the undefeated and #1 ranked Clemson Tigers.

Most of that mid-season success is due to the emergence of dual-threat quarterback, Lamar Jackson.  At 6’3″, this cat can run.  The most difficult thing to defend in college football (aside from a Louisville female volleyball player’s fish mitten) is a mobile QB.  And Jackson is looking very comfortable running the Petrino offense.

A&M has the best defensive player in the country not named Reggie Ragland in Myles Garrett, but Petrino didn’t escape some grad-assistant’s cockpit to pilot the Cardinals without knowing how to scheme around one great player.  Myles will have his moments, but Da KIDD expects Louisville to not only win this one, but to ultimately throttle the Aggies.  As in a Jessica Dorrell throttling.

Expect a contract extension for Petrino right after the game, while he celebrates in some poor co-ed’s slot pocket.  Louisville 51 Texas A&M 20.

Army +21.5 vs. Navy

“The only game where everyone playing is willing to die for everyone watching.”  Yeah, Da KIDD just dropped that one on you.

Back in the day, yours truly applied to the Academy.  Made it all the way to the psych-eval where I heard, “you have a glorious lack of respect for, and a tremendous inability to submit to authority.” Da KIDD’s response?  “Yeah, why don’t you go and f*k yourself with that bayonet.” 

Needless to say, Da KIDD took another path.  All hard feelings between the academies and KIDD were swept under the rug after Navy took a knee at the goal line to keep the total under 51 1/2 points a few years back.  Here’s to sportsmanship and to a 4-game parlay that paid 20-1.

On to the game.  I’ve got this Uncle…let’s call him, “Uncle Joe”.  He may or may not be related to Cousin Emmet.  Ok, he’s his pops. “Joe” is an old bastard now.  He uses a walker and a piss bag to get the mail every morning.

Uncle Joe was a Navy man.  Back in the day, Uncle Joe could also chase tail with the best of ’em.  We’re talkin’ a poon hound of the lowest order.  As he was loosely affiliated with the healthcare field, I’ve seen that man chase more nurse skirts than Dr. McDreamy did on Grey’s Anatomy.

Uncle Joe was a believer in the constitution and showed that by being an equal opportunist when it came to skanks.  White, black, obese, crack-whore, lice-infested, syphillis harboring–you name it.  Joe would attempt to mount it.  Occasionally, he apparently succeeded.  He did sire Cousin Emmet, afterall.

Although dishonorably discharged, he never would talk about the facts surrounding his removal from his station post in Manila, but I’ve heard rumors from family members it involved a Spitting Monocled Cobra and a gay prostitute.

Ole Joe has never let that misunderstanding keep him from supporting the Blue and Gold.  I can still hear him say, “Blue for the ocean!  Gold for valor!  Now grab me a cold one kid, and turn it back to that Nat Geo so I can look at those Pygmy boobies again.”

Because of Uncle Joe, Da Kidd has to pick against Navy in this one.  Uncle Joe never did sh*t for me, so I’m not picking his Midshipmen.  As the Marines always tell the Navy boys, “Yeah, whenever there’s a skirmish overseas, we appreciate you boys giving us a ride to go and fight.”  My sentiments exactly.

This game is a true rivalry.  Now, not of the Alabama/Auburn or Ohio State/Michigan ilk, but, you know, the “lets pretend this is a rivalry so we can honor Pat Tillman for the 27th time” kind of rivalry.

Navy is more talented and better coached.  They should win this game by a margin greater than the Halls of Montezuma.  But there’s just something special Da Kidd is feeling about Army in this one.  I’m calling The Cadets to score a late TD and get a back door cover.

Speaking of back door, I met this chick at Mandalay Bay the other night.  More on that later..  These colors don’t run.

Navy 35 Army 14

Army v Navy

Every year, a week after the real college football regular season is over, we are treated to the Army/Navy football game. Not since Da Kidd’s biological father

 was cruising the Stardust on the Strip has this game been relevant.

The service academies have been turning out the best military bureaucrats for more than a century. I have great respect for our military. But, it’s been a long time since the best and brightest served.

In this game, Navy is once again the overwhelming favorite. Sorta like the buffet @ an Adele video shoot.

Navy QB Keenan Reynolds is one of the top rushing QBs in the history of college football. Army on the other hand has no one I’ve ever heard of. Army has taken no name to a whole new level.

The game will be played in Philadelphia @ Lincoln Financial Field, which made a lot more sense when they played @ Veterans Field in Philly.

Both academies will don there Class A uni’s and march in lockstep to their respective seats. There will be more seamen packed in the stadium than Kim Kardashian after Saint West’s christening.

TMZ reported that Kimmy had vaginal rejuvenation surgery midway thru her most recent pregnancy to prevent the baby from just falling out. Interestingly, the doctors performing the surgery found Bruce Jenner’s surgically removed balls inside his step-daughters hooch.

When questioned, Kris admitted to having removed his balls after a late-nite orgy that included Jan Michael Vincent

 back in the early 90s.

According to momma Kardashian, she thought Kim’s muff was the perfect hiding place since her a** was so big

  no white dude would touch her. She never considered that Kim’s oversized posterior and light skin would make her the perfect landing zone for black athletes and talentless, moronic, wannabe hip-hop performers around the world. For them, plowing through Kim is sorta like getting your driver’s license. You know, you’re 14, you get it.

Most are puzzled by the name of the latest Kimye offspring as Saint. Da Kidd told me that his best friend, Scott Disick

told him that the name was the couple’s attempt to pay homage to their favorite actor, Val Kilmer

whose role in the theatrical adaptation of the TV series, “The Saint,” was, for them, “the greatest movie event of all time.”

I know what some of you are wondering…what’s all that got to do with this game??? Absolutely nothing, which is what this game means.

This game is less relevant than President Obama’s ISIS policy. Only a leader as feckless as Obama would treat this group of degenerates with this level of deference.

In the end though, Navy plows through the Army defense like Elf on a Shelf plows through Barbie dolls

 Annapolis 38 West Point 13.