Category Archives: 2016 – Week 2 – Picks

The Unforked Family Tree

A record 150,000 fans are expected to on hand in Bristol to watch the University of Tennessee battle Virginia Tech. Not since the Garden of Eden have so many people been produced from the same pool of DNA. 

To say that the hillbillies from these respective locales have a history of inbreeding is like saying Colin Kaepernick is an idiot. For these fan bases, going to the family reunion is not the best place to pick up chicks, it’s the dinner table. 

Of course, there was a time inbreeding may have made sense for these impoverished clans. Think about it, your baby producing daughter is gonna leave and help someone else’s family grow more clansmen??? Jed says, “not on my watch sissy.”

So, more kinfolk will get kinf$&ked under the bleachers of Bristol Motor Speedway, than when Dale Sr. was burning up the track.

Most are not aware that the toothbrush was invented in the hills of western Virginia to help the locals protect their last tooth. The invention sparked outrage in the town of Blacksburg with some residents claiming the toothbrush was the work of Satan. One of the mantras of the day was that “toothlessness was next to Godliness.”

Not much has changed. On the list of desired professions, dentist comes in below lumberjack, coal miner, and garbage collector and just above high school graduate. 
But enough of the back story, what about the game? 

Butch Jones had his Vols ranked in the preseason top 10 before surviving at home against Appalachian State. Apparently, the two players who can read good shared the hype with the other players because they looked like an over-confident bunch. 

Now they travel up the road to Bristol to take on the Hokies and first year coach, Justin Fuente. Fuente spent the last few years making the University of Memphis program respectable. Expect Va Tech to compete in the ACC in the coming years but not this year.

The Vols are too deep and talented for Tech. Vegas has UT as an 11.5 point favorite. I expect Josh Dobbs and the Tennessee offense to score as easily as Jed Clampett with Elly May. 

They will score more often than Briscoe & the Darling boys did with the lovely Charlene. 

Much like DaKidd struggles to score with any woman with an IQ over 45, so too will the Hokies. So, the bonus play is to take the under. I’ve got the Vols winning 34-10. Remember, when a Tennessee RV is rocking don’t bother knocking, just wait your turn.

Redneckfest in Bristol

DaKidd is a sports fan. But NASCAR ain’t a sport. The real lines in this game are crowd related:

1. Of the 150,000 whiskey tango bravos (that’s “white trash” b*tches for the less informed) attending the Redneck Bowl, how many will be related?

The line is 125,000.5 of them. Why the “1/2” human line, Kidd? Have you seen any of these bushpig cooters that come out of the hills near Knoxville and Blacksburg?!

image

When you see them, you’ll understand the concept of 1/2 a human line.

2. Number of actual teeth in those 150,000 critters? 149,000 1/2.

3. Number of Busch Lights consumed? 1,476,831 1/2

4. Number of children conceived during the game (including port-a-pottys)? 141 1/2

This game has so many things going on: hillbilly f$@kin’, moonshine baby bottles… cousin rape. There’s even a halftime scavenger hunt scheduled to find Joshua Dobbs’s eyebrows.

Have you seen this alien-looking m@therf$@ker?! Was he in a fire?

image

There will be more, “By Gawd’s!” shouted at this game than a never-ending Roy D. Mercer 8-track.

image

After all the mayhem, the vomit, and the family trains run on Ellie May, this game will be closer than expected..

***BREAKING NEWS: Cousin Emmett from Tennessee just called and said that a rare strain of varmint flu is going through the Virginia Tech locker room. DaKidd is taking the Vols minus the big spot. Varmint flu isn’t something to d*ck around with I hear.

Vols 33 Beamer-less Hokies 13

Horned Frogs vs Horny Hog

It’s been a long season for one Jen Bielema. As the young, hot wife of the over-sized head coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks, she has a lot of responsibilities. Not the least of which is satisfying Bert’s over active appetites.

Bret-Bielema-wife-Jen-Hielsberg

Personally, Tatiana and I really enjoy the Bielema’s. We have run into them at various resorts around the country over the last few years. Brett invariably picks my brain for insights and tips for getting his Hogs to the next level.

When I mentioned he should hire a relatively unknown head coach named Dan Enos from Central Michigan, he nearly fell out of his chair. Fortunately, he took my advice and its worked out so far.

While in Napa helping a small wine-maker avoid bottle shock, we bumped into Coach B and the lovely Jen.

BretJenWinery

That boy can eat. But, when the subject of his Hogs is raised, the drumsticks go down and his energy level goes up. Bert is very excited about his team this year.

After last week’s scare against La Tech, Jen was not happy!!!Jen-Bielema-pouting

When momma ain’t happy… Bert eats…and eats…and eats!!! He knows that unless his Hogs put a beat down on the Frogs in Ft. Worth, Jen will have another Texas-sized headache. That’ll leave Brett to search Bleacher Report for pics of his wife in a bikini!

jen-bielema-bikini

Fortunately, there are plenty of pics of a scantily-clad Jen to keep Bert happy for a few days.

On the other sideline, Gary Patterson is itching to prove that TCU can play with the bigs in the regular season. The Hogs and Frogs have met 68 times  with the Hogs winning 43 of those. Even though they were in the Southwest Conference together, the Hogs never considered TCU much of a threat.

Times have changed. Patterson has TCU in the conversation as a respectable program. DaKidd would argue that they have been better than the Razorbacks over the last decade or so. That’s laughable. If the Hogs had been in the Big 12, they would be competing for the title every year and beating the likes of TCU and Baylor with regularity.

This is really the battle of unique mascots. I would love to have been in the meeting where someone drunken frat dude recommended the Horned Frog as a mascot. Who knew Dean Wormer would go for it.

DeanWormer

Ok, so let’s get down to business. Here’s some actual knowledge DaKidd won’t give you. The current line is TCU -8. TCU is 12-3 against the spread in its last 15 games at home. Arkansas is 4-11 straight up in its last 15 games on the road, but is 8-2 against the spread in its last 10 games against the Big 12.

Here’s the problem, I am old school and believe it’s virtually impossible to escape your identity. That’s why DaKidd will always be a day and a dollar short. And why he’ll still be chasing skirts when he’s 70. That’s just who he is.

TCU is TCU!!! That’s who they’ll always be. They’ve never won anything, aside from a fluke Rose Bowl win over Bielema’s Wisconsin Badgers a few years back. So, this is an easy one..take the Hogs and the points. I’ve got ’em winning it out right 33-28.

If I’m right, which is a virtual certainty, Bert will be celebrating another huge road win. Jen will happily don the snout to play where’s the porker as Bert snorts and chases here around the house.

Jen-pignose

If you happen to be @ the game, check out the concession stand near gate 121, say hi to DaKidd. He will be working there to make enough money to pay off his bookie from last week’s debacle.

Frog Head vs Hog Head

In what could rightfully be called, “The Melon Bowl”, the two biggest craniums in college football will face-off for the second time.  Have you seen the heads on these two opposing coaches?

image image

Have you considered the size of the pillows required to support these heads?  They are larger than Sputnik. I mean, each has its own orbit.  If only the brains inside of these noggins could match the size of their cages…

Hogs versus Frogs.  Outside of the largest incest created family reunion in history occurring in Bristol, TN, this is the biggest game on the board.

Gary Patterson gorged himself on rooty tooty fresh and fruity pancakes at the local IHOP after narrowly escaping versus the South Dakota State rodeo team last week. Head Hog Bert Bielema put a red ball in Jen’s mouth and saddled her up after the close call with La Tech.

Both head coaches got the release they were looking for and have regrouped to face-off in a potentially season defining game in Fort Worth on Saturday.

DaKidd got an invite from the mayor of Fort Worth to attend this game, and since I woke up at the Taj in Atlantic City with his daughter a few months back, I felt it was in my best interest to visit cow-town and act somewhat interested in the mayor’s invite.

His daughter, Jo-Ellen,

image

will be accompanying us in his box at Amon G. Carter Stadium Saturday night.  I hear the frog legs are scrumptious. I know Jo-Ellen is, but I digress..

The Horned Frogs believe they can win the national championship. The Razorbacks still believe they can win the SEC, which, quite frankly, is more difficult than winning the Natty.

Both teams are delusional, but this game is personal for both respective head coaches. Gary Patterson’s frogs got the better of Brett Bielma’s Badgers in the Rose Bowl 5 years ago in a close game in which DaKidd had the Frogs getting 1 point and ultimately winning by 2.  It’s a game of inches..and Jo-Ellen agrees..again, I digress.

The Razorbacks went full-on vanilla last week, but they held a prolific Louisiana Tech offense to a mere 20 points en route to a “W”.  TCU survived a scare versus an FCS rated South Dakota State.

Expect the hogs to show up with some piss and vinegar and throw the ball deep often to Dominique Reed while balancing the run with Williams and freshman Whaley as they eek out an upset 31-30 over the Purple People Eaters.  Speaking of eating, have you ever had frog legs with Jo-Ellen?

image