Category Archives: 2016 – Week 3 – Picks

Wampum? They’re Gunna Kill ‘Em!

The two biggest douchebag coaches in all of football square off in Norman, OK. When I hear, Norman, Oklahoma, Da Kidd immediately thinks of losing his virginity.

I was 11 and visiting my cousin, Chastity (irony of ironies on her name for sure) at the Chi Omega house in Norman for the OU/Nebraska game. It was raining, and I had spent the previous night hustling some Sig Eps out of beer money. Even though I had a hefty bet on the Sooners, I didn’t want to get my hair all wet.

So, I stayed in the sorority house and watched it on TV.  Until “Shaw-nee” walked in. She was part Injun Nation, and she caused me to miss most of the morning games. Yes, I said “games”… plural, DaKidd has always been a performer.

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Wonder if she still thinks about that Saturday tryst as she makes wampum and corn meal on the reservation? I still get turned on every time I see a headdress full of feathers.

Urban Meyer is the smuggest sunuvabitch on the planet. The stress of the SEC got to him once Timmy Tebow left to pursue his professional career.

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Speaking of Tebow’s career, did you see he’s playing pro-baseball now??  WTF, Timmy? It’s time to focus on losing your virginity. Trust me, it’s time.  There’s nothing rash about getting some gash.

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I know a good Injun girl that’s probably lonely since I left her in the shower to go back to watching football. Sorry babe, I was eleven and had sh!t to do.

Smokes respects Urb. DaKidd thinks he should die in a diesel fire. Urban epitomizes “punkass-ness”.

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That b@stard cost me a house in the Hamptons when he called a TD pass while up 38 with :35 seconds to go once. Yes, a diesel fire is in order. DaKidd will strike the match.

Big game Bob slobbed the ol’ knob in week one.

Oklahoma head coach Bob Stoops looks on during Oklahoma football media day on Aug. 6. The Sooners will start out top-ranked in The Associated Press college football poll for the 10th time, more than any program in the country. (AP Photo/Sue Ogrocki)

But this game is in Norman. Unless he you are wearing red and white and your mascot is a little covered wagon, you can’t win in Norman.

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Boomer’s season is on the line here. Gone are the days of shooting AK 47’s out of the football dorm windows, but The Sooners are still immensely talented. Baker Mayfield has the best game of his career en route to a Big Boomer win.  Oklahoma 37 Ohio State 33.

Sex Wins Games

This game features the most oversexed and most undersexed coaches in America. On one hand, you’ve got Bobby “Muthur-F$&kin” Petrino (BMFP), and let me just tell you, that cat gets his. More on that later. On the opposing sideline, you have a coach that is in more dire need of a BJ than any man on the planet.

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Have you heard this guy talk the last 3 years? He’s wound tighter than Dick’s hatband. Cousin Emmett tells me two weeks ago that Jimbo Fisher had to be pulled off of Jamison Winston whilst humping his leg after the comeback win against Ole Miss.

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Yeah, Da Kidd just dropped a “whilst” on you. Yeah, I went to college. Flunked out of Ethics 101 because of a late night poker game at the Sahara… that was easier money than betting against Smokes’ picks, but I digress.

BMFP is turning b!tches down on campus, on motorcycles, on random Tuesdays, and Jimbo is relegated to trying to play with the ball sac of Chief Osceola’s horse, Renegade, to get any action.

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Folks, this is no small matter. Who’s going to be more ready to focus on playing the biggest game of the season so far? A post-nutted and relaxed Bobby Petrino, or a pent-up Jimbo? Advantage playa.

BMFP has two things: 1) A mobile and accurate quarterback (who, by the way, cousin Emmett swears has a c@ck bigger than Renegade) and 2) He’s got M*f*ing swag.

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Swag is big these days. It’s hip. It wins ball games. And BMFP has it in spades. His players believe, too. Yes, FSU has a black, French quarterback. WTF?! Doesn’t that make him Senegalese by definition?!

They also have the best running back in the country not named Fournette in Dalvin Cook. Calvin is a bad, bad man, but… they can’t c&ck-swing like the Cards.

And this game will be determined by who plays the loosest. My money is on a post-coital Petrino. Cards upset the apple cart in the ACC at home and send Jimbo in search of a frightened Renegade. Louisville 34 CrimiNOLES 27

Lil Abner’s Chicken

You ever get ever get tired of hearing something? I’ve got a buddy whose wife always bitches about him leaving his underwear on the floor.

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Personally, Da Kidd has gone commando for the last 15 years, but that’s not the point. You ever get tired of hearing something said to you or about you?

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Da Kidd gets tired of hearing that his anal sex to regular romp ratio is too high. Seriously?! That’s not even possible to make too high.

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There’s a reason I have a monicker. Da Kidd has needs. So does Nick Saban. I know most of the country hates little Nicky, but his teams have paid my tab at 5-star restaurants since junior high. I’m a fan.

My boy, Nick, is tired of hearing that his teams struggle against mobile quarterbacks. In fact, he’s downright red-assed about it.

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This Ole Miss team is coming apart at the seams. With the NCAA breathing down their neck’s with all of the cheating that’s been going on and with the tremendous loss of talent to the NFL, this Rebel team appears poised for a monumental collapse – beginning at the quarterback position. Chad Kelley is closer to a relapse than Charlie Sheen (names have been changed to protect the innocent).

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Really Ole Miss? The top players in California, Maryland, Ohio, and Florida want to come to Oxford for Abner’s Chicken and that esteemed degree?! No, you’ve been paying to get Momma’s hurr and nails did in da hood, and now the devil is collecting his due.

This may be the most talented defense Saban has ever had. That’s the equivalent of saying this skirt Da Kidd is dating may be the hottest piece he’s ever dated. Both big statements, but both are likely true.

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After two years of Hotty Toddy cramping the Tide’s style, pain is coming. As Doc Holliday said in the most quotable classic of all-time, “Tombstone”, “It’s not revenge he’s after. It’s a reckoning.”.

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Not only will the Tide roll up a ton of points, but Joey Freshwater’s offense will put up yardage on the Rebel’s Land Minnow defense faster than the boys at Grainster can blow through $200 million in Monopoly money.

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Da Kidd has bet 6 digits on the money line in this game (that’s Bama to just win the game, Smokes) and 5 digits on a Tide cover. It’s one of the easiest plays this professional has seen in a long, long time.

Da Kidd had inside information on the varmint flu that swept through the Virginia Tech locker room last week and doomed the Hokies vs. The Vols. And being the legend I am, I shared it with you.

Da Kidd also has inside information here. Alabama’s African American players have been promised a full bucket of Little Abner’s dark meat chicken on the square if they cover the 10.5 points.

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It’s a lock. This game WILL get ugly late. Sweet Home Alabama 52 Racist Rebels 17.

Smug Rolls Into Norman

Normally, living in Oklahoma sucks. But after the Chippewas of Central Michigan upset Okie Lite in Stillwater last weekend, it made the malaise created by the Oklahoma Sooners beat down @ the hands of former Urban Meyer offensive coordinator Tom Herman and his Houston Cougars deepen into a full-blown depression.

Not since the Trail of Tears have so many people in Oklahoma wished they lived elsewhere!

Now, the Ohio State Buckeyes roll into town. The Daily Oklahoman reported that Urban Meyer’s mole arrived two days before the rest of the team.

It was only a day behind Urb’s smug. Access Hollywood reported that Kanye West has requested to borrow Urb’s smug it for his next appearance @ the VMAs.

Speaking of smug, if Hillary Rodham Clinton was a dinosaur, she’d be called a Lickalottapus.

Oops, Bob Stoops did it again. Started the season ranked in the top 5, then screwed the pooch against a lower ranked team in a meaningless game.

Much like DaKidd in Vegas, in life, and in the bedroom, the Stoops brothers have helped redefine what it means to underperform. But unlike DaKidd, @ least they show up. Just ask Tabitha and the minister at the Little Wedding Chapel just off the Strip.

Normally, teams are nervous when rolling into Norman to face OU. But Urb used a 3rd string QB to beat down Sabes and win his 2nd Natty, so facing a Stoops led team is like Bill Clinton interviewing chubby interns. Sure, he’ll talk to all of them, but in the end he’s only gonna dip his cigar in the one with a blue dress!

I’ve got the Sooners getting out to an early lead before faltering faster than Hillary climbing into a van. Speaking of HRC, a secret service agent assigned to her security detail, speaking on the condition of anonymity, claimed that Hillary, code named “Butch,” has been smuggling Bucky the Buckeye under her tent-sized pantsuit.

I hope that’s true, otherwise, if elected, she’ll become the fatest POTUS since Grover Cleveland was waddling down Pennsylvania Avenue.

Look for the Buckeyes to easily cover, OSU 41 OU 29.

Gang Rape in the Grove

As a God-fearing man, it is incumbent upon me to hate Ole Miss. Just like Hillary Rodham Clinton, these insufferable b@stards stand for everything wrong in the world.

Like HRC, they only want white people to win. Like HRC, they promise black people the world and then use them to get what they want. And like Bill Clinton, they want to marry blonde white women and bang thick sistas in the Oval Office.

I’m not saying that HRC wants to bang thick sistas in the Oval Office, but if HRC wins, Donna Brazile has first dibs on the Lincoln bedroom!

And as disgusting as a HRC presidency would be, Ole Miss winning an SEC or National Championship would be worse.

We’ve been electing moribund, lying, & cheating politicians for years. And even though HRC is the most morally challenged politician to contend for a nations highest office since Hitler assumed power in Germany, she would do less damage the fabric of America than an Ole Miss natty.

DaKidd will extol the virtues of the Grove and no doubt recount some tale of violating an under-aged dilettante during the first possession of the 3rd overtime in the Arkansas Razorbacks’ 7 overtime win in Oxford back in 2001. In reality, the Grove is nothing more than a Cambodian refugee camp with more pretense, makeup, and fake boobs!

By the way, the Huffington Post reported that both Bill AND Hillary Clinton are on record as saying that the Grove outside Vaught-Hemingway Stadium is the greatest place to plow gash in the country!!!

Which is something coming from a woman who’s tasted punanny from the finest universities in the world!

This game also offers some other interesting storylines, such as the fact that Ole Miss could become the first team to defeat a Nick Saban coached team since my Purdue Boilermakers back in the late 90’s.

Lil Nicky has been on the warpath to prevent that travesty of justice. To say that Saban hates losing would be a gross understatement!

Nick Saban hates losing more than Abby Wambach hates men!

This chick hates male genitalia more than an inbred girl from the hills of Tennessee hates her brothers and cousins. She would rather play swallow the strap-on with a Lowes plumbing department team member than…

oops, I digress…

Yet, Hugh Freeze has been able to pull off back-to-back wins against the Tide. Interestingly, he has lost back-to-back to Bert Bielema’s Arkansas Razorbacks. Now, Freeze’s Clan is hoping to put an end to the “Black Lives Matter” movement and make it a 3-peat against the Tide.

Thing is, even though Ole Miss is clearly paying for players to attend their institution of “higher learning,” it’s not institutionalized the way it is in Tuscaloosa.

The Tide boosters have made paying for talent an art form. Ever since Bear payed players to warm the bench to keep them from playing for competitors, Bama has made paying players standard operating practice.

So, even though it will be close game, Bama and Joey Freshwater will be violating the Rebel faithful with more ferociousness than a lifer on a fresh-faced teenaged first offender. Tide 39 Colonel Reb 31.

Playing Peekaboo in the Ladies Room

This Saturday in Louisville, Kentucky, Bobby “Muther-f$&kin'” Petrino (BMFP) finds himself in familiar territory. His Cards are ranked 10th in the country and expected to contend for an ACC Championship. 

Of course, that championship will not be played in Charlotte this year because apparently, the ACC loves pedophiles and sexual deviants in their bathrooms more than the typical fan. So, when in a ladies room @ the next ACC championship, for any sport, don’t be surprised if the chick beside you whips out a schlong and proceeds to paint the wall. 


Congrats, the apocalypse cannot be afar off!

Just a few short years ago, BMFP had his Razorbacks in position to contend for the coveted SEC title, when his motorcycle and career careened off the road and into the proverbial ditch. 


This stickler for detail was caught with his hands in someone else’s cookie’s jar.

Many thought his career might be over. But, after a year off, he was back. A year later, he was back @ the University he first put on the map in the early 2000’s, Louisville. With Rick Pitino bending over waitresses in the local TGI Fridays, BMFP seems tame.

The only problem BMFP cannot escape is that in the end, Louisville, Kentucky is known for 3 things… the Kentucky Derby, Louisville basketball, & Yum Brands. 


Louisville football is a distant contender behind the skank hookers who help Rickie Pitino secure top basketball recruits. 

Coming to town is Jimbo Fisher & this years crop of degenerate Florida State CrimiNOLES football players. This year’s group is teeming with future felons. In fact, the rap sheet on FSU is long and distinguished. With 28 year old freshman Francois @ the helm, FSU appears poised to make another run @ a natty.

Regardless of his coaching prowess, BMFP cannot field a team with the talent and prison experience, that Jimbo can amass in the nations capital of felony assault. 

Another unfortunate situation is that the game kicks off @ 11am. The potentially raucous crowd that might attend a night game will no doubt be subdued and therefore present no issues to the visiting Seminoles. The young men from FSU will be tomahawking b!tches in Tallahassee on Saturday night after a big road win. FSU 34 UL 26.