Category Archives: 2016 – Week 4 – Picks

No Brows vs Duggar

Tennessee hasn’t beaten the Gay-tors in over a decade. Jim Bob Duggar hasn’t had to rub one out in over a decade. Here’s to you, Michelle “Drain My Man Dry Everytime and Ruin My Uterus” Dugger.

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Look, Da Kidd knows McElwain is the coach of the Gay-tors, but he is Jim Bob Duggar’s doppelgänger, so I’m rolling with that.

Tennessuck is 3-0 behind Josh “Nobrows” Dobbs.

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The Tennessean just reported that he’s the first Trisomy 21 quarterback to start a season in the SEC 3-0. Jamarcus Russell was rumored to have some retardation, but it turns out he was just stupid.

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Florida has been less offensive the last 5 years than the smell in the Duggar house during afternoon home-school math class. While Duggar is scoring at home, the Gay-tors can’t seem score on the field-with their offense.

Now they’re using a re-tread from Smokes alma mater, Purdue. Yes, Pur”f$%kin”due. That’s never a good sign. But that defense is badass. They’ve got athletes at every position.

Tennessee is more overhyped than Hillary Rodham Clinton’s heterosexuality. They just aren’t very good. And Da Kidd has learned something over the years: never, ever, EVER bet against a streak.

If a girl keeps swallowing, keep showing up with flowers and beer. And if Florida has won 11 a row, bet them getting 6 points vs. Tennessuck. Gay-tor defense can score 21, which will be enough. 24-17 Duggars.

Putting Lead In The Pencil

To say that Democrats are dumb is like saying Bill and Hillary Clinton struggle telling the truth. Example #1 is Flint, Michigan. Democrats have been running the show in Flint for decades. Recently, Flint made headlines for something other than crime, their water.

The water supply is contaminated with lead. Under the watchful eyes of Democrat officials, the people of Flint have been systematically poisoned for years.

When the Democrat mayor Virg Bernero 


of East Lansing, Michigan, home of Michigan State, heard about lead in the water in Flint, he seized the opportunity to strike. He negotiating what he described as a “sweet-heart deal,” to buy water from Flint. He believes that more lead in the water will, and I quote, “put more lead in our pencils!”

It’s stupidity like that which keeps Democrat controlled city’s and states in the dark ages. What makes it worse is that MSU president Peter McPherson agrees with the mayor.

I think that spells doom for the Spartans against the Badgers of Wisconsin. Sparty will struggle to score and Wisconsin will pull the upset. Wisconsin 21 MSU 17.

Becky Goes to Brown Town???

Did you see the corn-holing Sparty gave the Irish last weekend? A beautiful thing indeed. The only thing better than Notre Dame getting sodomized by a big green man is when Da Kidd is going to brown town himself.

Which, incidentally, would be the only reason Kidd would ever take his action to East Lansing for anything other than a high-stakes no-limit game.

Speaking of high stakes, do you know how much they pay Dantonio? Cat’s banking close to $5 mil/per! Think Becky Dantonio sports an LV? As in Louis Vuitton?

In my world, an “LV” is a loose vagina, but not in poor Mark’s world. An LV in his world costs $3,000, is slung over his wife’s shoulder, and doesn’t come with a happy ending. Poor bastard.

You gotta love Wisconsin coach, Paul, “The Messiah” Chryst. This fella was born in Madison, Wisconsin, played quarterback for the Badgers, and is now their head coach. Messiah has gone 13-3 since Bret Bielema plugged Madison’s Hershey highway and headed for the land of real football.

This game will be ugly. Yes, the game will be ugly, but I’m talking about the cheerleaders and the fans. People from the midwest are by-and-large, a ghastly group that look like crime in the face.

Look for the Badgers to keep it close, get 2 big turnovers, and pull the upset late in East Sh*ttsville with a 27-24 win. And look for Becky Dantonio to be slingin’ that LV. You know which one..

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Duggar Dad Goes For 12 In A Row

A few weeks removed from Incest Bowl 2016 at Bristol Motor Speedway between the University of Tennessee and Virginia Tech University, Gameday setup camp in Knoxville in the shadow of Neeland Stadium on the banks of the Tennessee River. Now, the University of Florida comes to town. 

Reality show super-star Jim Bob Duggar, aka Jim McElwain, is looking to extend the Gator’s 11-game win streak against the Vols. McElwain’s show on Lifetime, “19 and Counting,” chronicles he and his wife’s experience with their 19 children. Not since Noah was on the ark have some many people come out of one worn-out hooch.


Michelle Duggar’s snatch is so stretched out that she is no longer able to get pregnant because her eggs fall out of the Fallopian tubes. In fact, the youngest Duggar has been known to collect the eggs and play with them like marbles. That, along with McElwain’s inability to get and maintain an erection, has caused quite a rift in the Duggar household.

Fortunately, Jimmie can focus on his Gator’s. And although he lost his starting quarterback early in the season, the Florida defense is playing lights out.

On the other sideline, Butch Jones hopes to reverse this trend of losing to Florida. Even though you would be hard-pressed to find a full set of teeth in the over 100,000 Tennessee fans that will pack the stadium, the Vols are a proud program who DaKidd believes are worthy of hatred. Sure, DaKidd was hassled at the Sigma Nu house back in ’94 and never got his hat back, but aside from Tee Martin’s lucky run in 1998, Tennessee has virtually no football success in the modern era.

Not since Davey Crockett was loading his muzzle have so many people depended on a Volunteer to defeat a Gator.


This is going to be a tough game. Yards are going to be harder to come by than genetic diversity in Knoxville. But, I have Tennessee finally breaking through and winning the game but failing to cover the 6.5 point spread. UT 19 UF 15.

Amber Alert Issued For Reveille

A couple of weeks ago, Brett Bielema’s Arkansas Razorbacks got a much needed win against TCU on the road a few miles down Interstate 30 in Fort Worth. Friends of Jen Bielema have noticed how she is walking funny since that epic road win.

When pressed Jen finally revealed that during a late night game of Twister, Bert lost his balance reaching for a Zaxby’s chicken finger and collapsed on top of Jen, pinning her to the hardwood floor. It took Bert several tries before he could roll himself off and in the process wrenched Jen’s knee. 

Bert addressed the incident on Twitter saying simply, “injuries are a part of having sex!”

Bert is one of the most interesting coaches in all of college football. He is a quote machine, but he is also a pretty darn good football coach.

Bert has been experimenting with analytics. Analytics is basically using statistics to determine play selection and other situational decisions in order to put the odds in your favor. 

Here are some stats: 38% of the time Arkansas has a 3rd and 8 or more yards and there are less than 4 minutes left in the game…and Arkansas is trailing by 2 or more points, Bielema eats a Zagnut.

When the opponent is inside the Arkansas red zone, and the Arkansas defense is in its nickel package, Brett reaches for a BLT.

Brett is 65% more likely to smuggle a plate of jalapeño poppers and two YooHoo’s under his long-sleeved pullover at AT&T Stadium against Texas A&M. Brett loves him some stats!!!

The only stat that matters is that Arkansas has lost the last two games against the Aggies in heartbreaking fashion. In both contests, Arkansas had the game well in hand only to allow the Aggies to eek out wins by giving up some big plays late.

The Aggies come in ranked 10th in the country and feeling that a win today could propel them into the driver’s seat in the SEC West. It’s a far cry from the end of last season when A&M Head Coach Kevin Sumlin saw his two 5-star quarterbacks transfer. He then was able to land Oklahoma reject Trevor Knight. That, and his stud D-ends have righted all that was wrong in Aggieland.

But, an incident on the campus of Texas A&M late Thursday night threatens to derail the Aggies national championship aspirations. The Aggie mascot, Reveille, may not be able to attend the game in Arlington.

The Dallas Morning News reported this morning that Reveille is resting comfortably at an undisclosed veterinarian clinic in the Dallas/Fort Worth metroplex. The pooch was injured during an annual Aggie right of passage. 

Started in 1963, the “F$%k the Dog” night at Kyle Field on the campus of Texas A&M is one of the most cherished traditions in the school’s storied history. It involves Corps of Cadet freshmen taking turns on a blind-folded Reveille as Yell Leaders chant “DO IT, DO IT, DO IT.”

Word out of College Station is that the over-eager freshman who failed to properly lube, has been expelled from the university and is facing criminal charges. The University has promised to improve its freshman educational program to include safe dog sex protocols.

Kevin Sumlin dismissed questions about the incident saying his team is loose and ready to play. However, an athletic department staffer has said that players are losing sleep and very concerned the mascot will not be on the field.

That’s all the break the Hogs need to right the wrongs of the last two years at the Southwest Classic at Cowboy’s Stadium. I’ve got the Hogs winning this game out-right setting up a huge clash of top 10 undefeateds in a couple of weeks when the Tide rolls into Fayetteville. Arkansas 33 Texas A&M 31.