Category Archives: 2016 – Week 1 – Picks

Clemson -8 vs Auburn

DaKidd told you last year Clemson would be in the National Championship. Lots of reasons I presisted it, not the least of which, was their stellar defense of line and secondary.

Err’body knows about Deshaun Watson (except for that dumba$$ David Pollack), but that defense was the reason they almost won it all.

“So, Kidd, Clemson has Deshaun back this year, so they should be the favorite to win it all, right?”. I mean, David Pollack thinks so. Umm, no.

9 of those defensive starters are in the NFL or robbing liquor stores this year, and Waffle House Mal-a-zahn is the Best offense of mind in all of football. He will find a way to exploit those 9 new starters, much like senior SAEs exploit freshmen Tri Delts.

Speaking of Tri Delts, that lesbian waitress was a Tri Delt. Oh and stand the f$&k up, Kaepernick!!! I digress..

Auburn has as good of a group of athletes as anyone in the country, and they are the most underrated team in the formidable SEC. War Eagle not only covers, but DaKidd says get a little on the money line with the Tigers. Auburn 41 Clemson 38

Tide -12 vs Trojans

Oops…Sabes did it again. Bama brought another Natty back to Tuscaloosa last season. That’s 4 chips in his first 9 seasons @ Alabama.

The Tide are ranked #1 again and looking to repeat. Sabes is a master @ motivating his talented team each year. His team’s have spent more weeks @ #1 than any other coach in history and it’s not even close.

Of course with USC on the schedule, a lot of the focus is on 3rd year Alabama OC & former SC HBC, Lane Kiffin. Kif was fired with extreme prejudice @ 4am on the LAX Tarmac a few years ago, so you have to believe revenge is on his mind.

Kiffin’s alter-ego, Joey Freshwater, was spotted @ Chamberlain’s Steak House & Cigar Lounge in North Dallas attempting to mac on a waitress, who DaKidd says he was able to convert from being a lesbian a few days ago. Word has it that Freshwater was shut down by el-lesbo, but eventually left with a couple of University of North Texas co-eds while muttering, “I’ve got your Mean Green!”

Kiffin’s shenanigans notwithstanding, Alabama just needs to show up @ AT&T Stadium to pick up another season opening win.

Of course, yours truly was @ the venue last week to enjoy one of the final shows of the Coldplay stadium tour. The game tonight will no doubt have much less energy than that epic show.

The Trojans have as much chance of scoring as a pimply-faced freshman with the head cheerleader!

It’ll be close early but Bama will methodically wear down the Trojans and cruise to an easy win. Bama covers 31-10 and after, Freshwater will be cruising 6th Street looking to bang some strange.

LSU -10 vs Wisconsin

Madison, Wisconsin is known for beer, cheese, and women. In that order. But this game isn’t being played in Madison. It’s at Lambeau, which is only known for its beer and cheese. Oh, and beer-cheese and cheese-beer.

LSU is returning 9 starters on both sides of the football and they are littered with future NFLers. Plus, tthey have a starting quarterback with a year’s worth of experience, and the best player in the country in Leonard Fournette, or Leonard “Fourscores” as I like to call him.

Fourscores is the best talent Wisconsin has seen since Sammy the Sausage stole the show by eating 11 pounds of kielbasa at the Pi Phi wet t-shirt contest in Madison back in ’98. Man that dude could put away some meat…and so could his sister!

LSU’s new defensive coordinator has installed a new 3–4 defense that will allow those monsters the Tigers have on the defensive side to dominate what should be struggling Badger offense.

He was also Wisconsin’s defensive coordinator last, so the guy is pretty familiar with what Wisconsin will be attempting to do with the ball this year (yes, you get good info like that from DaKidd, unlike Smokes and his rants of lederhosen and toe-sucking at bed-and-breakfast dives in the Alps).

While it is impossible to predict a shut out, that is exactly what DaKidd is calling for here. I expect Fourscores to break the Lambeau Field record of 210 rushing yards, and Malachi Dupre to have over 100 yards receiving as the Geaux Tiger train begins its run toward bringing the natty back to Red Stick.

LSU 42 Whisky 0.

Noles -4.5 vs Toddy

Hugh Freeze has the best QB in the SEC under center this year. That combined with the long-standing Ole Miss policy of paying players has put the Rebels in a position to compete in a game like this.

Unfortunately, this is still Ole Miss. You can put lipstick on a pig but it’s still a pig. Freeze’s baptist preacher shtick is just a cover for their “do whatever it takes to win” policy.

Think about it, what black athlete really wants to play for a University whose symbols, traditions, & belief systems are steeped in slavery, rascism, and incest.

It takes serious Grrr and access to lots white chick’s to motivate a noose-averse black athlete to leave Mama & ‘dem to matriculate thru the University of Mississippi. Of course, Oxford is crawling with young, blonde hotties looking to stick it to their bigoted Daddy’s by letting football players stick it in them.

Florida State has a similar policy, but they have been more successful. Jimbo cemented his legacy in Tallahassee by bringing a Natty back to Florida’s capital city. He still hasn’t found a replacement for Jameis, but they have more athletes, more speed, and more parolees.

Look for the Noles defense to slow down the Rebel offense and cover, FSU 27 UM 22.

Dabo -8 vs Gus

Clemson head coach Dabo Sweeney has danced his way into the hearts of people around country. His positive, “you can do it” attitude inspires near greatness. But, alas falls short when facing the hardline Nick Saban for the national championship.

This offseason Dabo wanted to “cowboy up,” so he called Bobby Knight for some pointers on cussing, tantrums, and verbally abusing players. Look for Clemson to play with a bit more edge this year.

Meanwhile down on the plains, Gus Malzahn comes off a mediocre season by his standards. They were close in most games last year but couldn’t close the deal. A recent report suggested Auburn boosters had reached out to Cecil Newton again to see if he has any other kids with some eligibility.

This game is @ Jordin-Hare Stadium and War Eagle will be going crazy. Look for DeShaun Watson to have a big game. He will run wild on the Auburn defense.

Problem is, Clemson lost too much talent on the defensive side of the ball. Gus is an offensive genius who will dial up plays that’ll confuse the fighting Dabos. No amount of “aw shucks” or “you can do its” will help the visiting Tigers. I’m calling for the upset, Auburn 39 Clemson 37.

The Hat -10 vs Whisky

The nation has poured out love on Baton Rouge in the wake of record flooding this year. The numbers are in, this year’s flooding did $122 million worth of good. Many of Baton Rouge’s wealthiest trailer parks were washed downstream.

Not since Katrina, have people poured out support to folks who think it’s a good idea to build a major city below sea level. You hate to see anyone suffer but some things you can see coming.

Anyway, LSU has struggled with clock management over the years. Mainly due to the Cajun tradition of teaching kids to count using teeth, since most Louisiana residents have fewer than 20 teeth. But it won’t matter today.

Wisconsin will show up in a major way. The game is @ Lambeau Field not Camp Randle. Coach Les Miles was overheard saying, “I wonder if the turf tastes like cheese?”

JJ Watt is not playing in this one and the athletes from the bayou will overcome their water-logged gear to eek out a win over the Badgers. But, I’m taking Whisky and the points, LSU 13 UW 10.