Category Archives: 2017 – Week 1 – Picks

Criminoles Charged With Stealing

I’m back, b!tches.  DaKidd took part of last season off.  Had to run some sh*t down to the Keys with Cousin Emmett.

No, not THAT kinda sh*t, some artwork. Cousin Emmett has found a new resurgence in blown glass.

Looks like dildos to me, but Emmett has carved out a nice little niche in South Florida.  DaKidd would probably still be there if my Jai Alai ring hadn’t been infiltrated by Monroe County’s finest.  And I needed a date.

DaKidd draws the line at finger banging widowed retirees in the camper outside of Golden Corral.

Not judging Emmett, just not for DaKidd.  Hey, at least he gets prune smoothies in the morning.

I had some time to think and ponder my strategy for this season while packaging blown glass phallic symbols on the dock.  DaKidd believes this is the year the ship gets turned on its mast.

Like the metaphor?  Been sitting on that one since watching Cousin Emmett crawl out of a dinghy fresh off God knows what with the newly widowed Mrs. Kravitz.

God, she has jacked up toes.  But I digress… Florida State shocks Bama, and here’s why..

Alabama is on a losing streak.  They lost to Clemson in last season’s national championship game and they lost Lane Kiffin.  If Lane had been directing the Tide offense, they would have easily bested an over-matched Clemson bunch. Lane is the best coach in America, but no one will listen to him.

And Saban’s “impenetrable” defense was on the field when the Tigers marched the length of the field and shoved it in Saint Nick’s L’il Debbie hole.

The Achilles heal of Satan’s…I mean Saban’s defense, has always been a mobile QB who can pass.  That French bastard, Ricky Jean François, can skate.  DaKidd learned about that Ç (known as Cedilla) from a French Moroccan gal named, “Sophie”.

Her momma makes the best streusel, but that’s a long, messy story full of intrigue, taboo, and frosting for another blogspot.

On the defensive side of the ball for the Injuns, that all-purpose d-back, Derwin James,  who, by the way, missed most of last season due to injury, once hit a Miami WR so hard that he made a sound that resembled something coming out of the anti-Christ in the bathroom after taco Tuesday.

That kid is a hammer.  First rounder.  I expect the Tide to regroup and win the West with all that blue-chip, 5-star bullsh*t, but they are catching the Noles early, and Jimbo has lived his entire life for this moment.  He endured the cat that solidified the moniker, “Criminoles” in Jameis Winston,

and he’s perched to put another peck in the armor of The Titan of T-Town.  Criminoles not only cover the 7.5, they win outright, 30-27.

Big Money versus Big Daddy

Michigan versus Florida. Harbaugh versus McElwain. Coke versus Diet Coke. This game has about as much intrigue as a probe of Trump’s alleged ties to Russia.

Speaking of probes, did you hear how DaKidd got injured in the offseason??? He followed his muse, Lane Kiffin, to Orlando.

He took a side-hustle with a glass blown dildo company.

While loading up some “Black & Blue’s” on a dock, he slipped and fell on Joey Freshwater. The accident report noted serious and repeated trauma to DaKidd’s bottom. They officially termed it “cockimus impalimus assimus.”

He’s back on the mend and sources say he’s sworn off all-male gang bangs for at least a year. His proctologist has advised against sex for at least 6 months, but his dentist says everything is good up top.

DaKidd’s proclivities notwithstanding, I am excited about this years college football season. Let’s head up to the land the moronic liberal politicians have virtually destroyed and check in on the most overpaid college coach in America.

The khakis are pressed and ready to go. Not since Duckhead’s were the official trouser of college frat boys in the late 80’s has a cheap pair of chinos been in such demand in Ann Arbor.

Coach Jim Harbaugh has put the gulp back in milk and has Maize & Blue nation thinking Natty. This cat drinks more milk than I did when my wife was breastfeeding our kids.

On the other side of the field, Jim Bob Duggar (McElwain) spent the hiatus from making kid #20 to suspend 10 players, including his top receiver. Michelle’s womb has less security than than a white pride rally in Charlottesville.

Here’s a Mother Goose nursery rhyme: There once was a Duggar, who had a show on TV, she had so many kids, her uterus fell out.

As I have said before, football is Jim Bob’s escape from his human hatchery back home. The Gators are eager to prove they belong amongst the nation’s elite.

Harbaugh on the other hand needs to validate his $9 million salary…

Vegas has Michigan as 4.5 point fave. I think this will be close early, but the Harbaugh magic is working, and that’ll be the difference. Michigan wins 27-17.

The ever predictable ESPN will say this proves the Big10 is better than the SEC. ESPN is bleeding credibility like DaKidd bleeds chips after a 72-hour bender @ Harrah’s in Tunica. In reality, Florida is the 5th best team in the SEC, while Michigan is the 2nd best team in the Big10. So, until a Big10 team actually scores in the CFB playoffs, shut your pie hole Kirk.