Category Archives: 2017 – Week 2 – Picks

Slash Me Baby!

Bret Bielema has procreated in the off-season.

Ok, Jen actually had a baby.  Yours truly thinks the kid is a spitting image of Razorback linebacker, Dre Greenlaw…

but this is a judgement free rant.

Assuming it is Bret’s spawn, do you think a baby with a 19 1/2 inch neck will ever get a date?!  She will if momma teaches her the art of picking up men with large…buyouts.

The Hogs are stuck with Bret at least another year, as it would cost them $12 large waffles to buy Bret out.  Since he’s coaching my Hogs for now, we might as well find a way he can win.

TCU’s field general, Kenny Hill, went all throat slashing reaper last year in this game, and that penalty ultimately cost the Frogs the game as Arkansas got the ball in great field position with a chance to score late in regulation and send the game to overtime.

What a role model.  You’re the head QB, and clearly the most important non-bovine creature in all of Fort Worth, and you go all Blood v. Crips on us?!  But don’t fret, he couldn’t cut it at Texas A&M and he led the Frogs to a 6-7 finish.  He’s a winner.  Clearly.

On the opposing side of the ball, Arkansas has a bonafide monster.  His name is Sosa Agim.

This guy is a freak show.  One man can’t stop him. That’s why he gets double-teamed more than Smokes at a gay cigar bar.

DaKidd is going on the record right now and saying Sosa Agim will be a Top 10 NFL draft pick after next football season.  He’s already the best D-lineman in the country – and no one has heard of him.  That all changes Saturday afternoon on CBS.

On the other side line, we have Gary penis patter.  Is it just me, or does he look like a guy who eats his own boogers?

And I’ll bet he likes them perfectly round and fresh.  But he’s is one of the top 15 highest paid coaches is in all of college football, and has turned TCU into a program of relevance.

His quarterback, Throat Slasher, is an A&M reject who is quicker than Smokes on top of one of those cigar lounge boys.

Cousin Emmett was painting a bathroom wall up in Fayetteville and overheard Razorback fans saying the Hogs had no chance.

No chance?!  These same teams played last year in Cattleville, and the Hogs dominated the Frogs for 3 1/2 quarters before ultimately winning in double overtime as 10 point dogs.

DaKidd cashed in big in Vegas on that one, and ended the night a set of Siamese twins…

Talk about double overtime…but it got messy.  Afterwards, I didn’t know which Siamese twin was texting me.  They have the same hands for god sakes.👐🏼

On the field, TCU has the better coach.  Arkansas has home field.  Athletes are about the same caliber.  I like Austin Allen as a 2nd year starter to make a couple more plays than Throat Slasher.  Hogs 31 Frogs 24.

Sooner or Later

When I got the call from a friend on the Board of Regents at Oklahoma University in Norman about Bob Stoops being fired, I was stunned.

I have never seen a guy as tenured as Bob get the axe after spring practice. There had to be more to the story.

So, I called some friends of the family who are old school Sooner boosters that are in the know.

The real story is much more sordid than I could have imagined.

Apparently Big Game Bob (as he is sarcastically known due to his penchant for coming up small in big games), had been making “hay” with several members of the OU Board of Regents and their wives in the back of the Sooner Schooner.

But with another season failing to reach the playoffs, Bob felt the the ritual known simply as “the stuffed wagon” could give OU an edge in recruiting. When Stoops’ wife, Carol, discovered Bob and several recruits and co-eds  asleep naked in the Schooner, she said enough.

Either Bob resigned or she would ruin him.

Meanwhile, over in Columbus, the Buckeyes are prepping for another run to a Natty. Coach Urban Meyer released a new book in the offseason which chronicled his team’s title season and the lessons learned.

What most don’t know is that Urb’s large nog mole has filed suit in state court seeking to be named a person. Many have speculated that Urb’s mole is the source of his overwhelming smugness.

Official court documents filed by Urb’s mole make a compelling case for the mole becoming a person. The mole takes credit for Urb’s success at Utah and the successful recruitment of Tim Tebow at Florida.

Some believe it was the strained relationship between Smuggy and Urb which caused the coach to resign from Florida.

The mole, which has some hip-hop leanings, wants to be known as “Smuggy the Urb Nog Mole.” It’s motivation for pursuing personhood is so that it can get married.

Smuggy is infatuated with Gabriel Macht’s nog mole.

It reached out to the Suits star’s dermal protrusion via Facebook but has yet to hear back. TMZ reports that Macht’s mole has been in an on-again off-again affair with Cyndi Crawford’s mole.

Smuggy isn’t deterred by the lack of response from Macht’s mole. It realizes that even if its petition is successful, same-sex marriage between moles is only legal in the country of Chad.

When asked about his mole’s suit at a recent presser, Urb declined to comment but sources close to the program say Urb’s stress level is thru the roof giving cause for concern.

First year coach Lincoln Riley hopes to forever eliminate the Stoops shadow with a huge win on the road.

In a prime time matchup between Heisman hopefuls Baker Mayfield and JT Barrett, Oklahoma rolls into town hoping to avenge last years curb stomp in Norman at the hands of Ohio State.

DaKidd’s friends out in Vegas have installed the Buckeyes as a 7.5 point favorite. But I feel there is something brewing over in Norman. The Sooners’ cement their position in the final 4 with a huge win in the Horseshoe, Sooners 33 Suckeyes 28.