Category Archives: 2017 – Week 4 – Picks

She’s a Brick…House

Cousin Emmet lives in Nashville now.  Technically it’s a motorized vehicle that’s parked in Nashville.  He has no children (not with the right number of chromosomes anyway),

and he’s decided his artistic, or autistic, gift shouldn’t die with him.

He’s been attempting to reproduce and so he’s has been selling his personally-designed hand-woven confederate flags near an Asian market in downtown.  He told me that he’s been roofie-ing smart, Asian, Vandy students in hopes of procreating.

Presumably females, but it is Emmet.

Says he slips it in their pad Thai, smokes a  fatty boom blatty, and waits.  The whole thing is disgusting.  I mean seriously.  Asians?!  If you’re gonna roofie a gal, you don’t go Asian.

I get his angle.  They’re stereotypically smart creatures, but that’s 18 years of child support and a helluva lot of bok choy to smell.

But, DaKidd don’t judge.

I just read this game is in Nashville???  Wait…Vanderbilt has a football team?  What’s the f%$k is a Commodore?  That funky band from the 70’s?  Is that the one, Penny Lover, sang for?

How can they be your mascot?  Is there a student dressed up in a Lionel Ritchie suit on the sidelines?  I’m confused.

Cousin Emmet just texted and said it’s a rank in the Navy somewhere below Admiral.

What in Nashf%$k does that mean?!

Speaking of the Commodores, “Brick House” is the nickname for the ‘Dores SEC leading defense, or should I say “Allegedly”, the SEC leading defense.

Derek Mason has the brain trust in Nashville thinking Atlanta isn’t just the place where Vandy grads go to take jobs from Yellowjacket grads.

They’re talking SEC Championship.  They’re talking undefeated season.  They’re talking National…hold your pocket protector there, Lloyd…you’re playing Alabama.  And it’s not in the Quiz Bowl.  It’s in full pads.  It doesn’t take a Vandy MBA to figure out who’s got the advantage here.

Vandy will start the game like ‘Smokes starts sex, sweaty, and full of fire.  They might even get a defensive stop or two.  But once they’ve been corn-holed like poor Song-Pham in Emmet’s van, they’ll rollover and play dead.

I saw a sign a Vandy fan was holding that said, “We want Bama”.  Ok, genius, ya got ’em.  And it’s gonna smart by the 4th quarter.  Bama rolls into Nashville and leaves destruction in its wake.

Don’t worry Song-Pham, at least that kid will be able to do oil on canvas.  Tide 49 Vandy 10.   Apologies for the short rant, but I’ve been called to Dallas for a booster meeting in case Bret Bielema loses to the Aggies…which is likely.

Upset special: Miss State 31 Georgia 21

What’s Love Got To Do With It?

A lot has changed in the year since Arkansas met Texas A&M at the Southwest Classic in Dallas. Kevin Sumlin is on the hot seat.

Donald Trump is President.

And Bobby Petrino is still a dick.

I was barely old enough to read when my father helped a young singer named Tina, get away from some mean dude named Ike. I couldn’t understand why Ike wanted to hit that nice lady. I just knew she was really sweet to me. It was great to hang out with her when we were in Europe this past spring.

For those keeping score at home, last season’s article called “Amber Alert Issued for Revielle,” chronicled the unfortunate coupling of freshmen corps of cadet hopefuls with one Reveille, the collie mascot of Texas A&M. The tradition, which can be traced back to the early sixties, is a rite of passage for anyone aspiring to high office on the campus in College Station.

The folks in Aggieland have learned some things this past year…they learned that true love knows no bounds, that Reveille is actually a female collie, and that pulling out is never a foolproof way to avoid pregnancy…even when f&$kin’ a dog!

Well, Josh McAllen, the disgraced freshman expelled for last year’s hazing incident that sent Reveille to the world famous Cooper Institute of Veterinary Research in Arlington, is now a proud new father. Reveille gave birth to her first, and probably only, litter of pups under the watchful care of Dr. Emil Chwalinski, the world’s foremost expert on human/canine relationships.

Dr. Chwalinski was deported from his homeland of Poland after its was discovered that he was attempting to start his own master race by mating Lithuanians and German Shepherds. Dr. Chwalinski was given refuge and a multi-million dollar grant to pursue his research at Texas A&M.

Both mom and pups are doing well, but the experience rendered Reveille unable to give birth again.

Even though McAllen was expelled from the University after the incident, Texas A&M has sued for custody of the pups.

According to legal documents filed in the state of Texas District Court claim that since the “alleged” incident occurred during a University sponsored event, and the father was “at the time of inception” a corps of cadet candidate, and that Reveille is “owned” by the University, any and all offspring are the de facto property of Texas A&M University.

The ACLU, GLAAD, and Americans for Beastiality have all filed Amicus Briefs opposing the Aggie position. They have asked the court to recognize the marriage of Reveille and McAllen as legal and equivalent to any other marriage.

GLAAD spokeslesbian Joan Ridge said, “Love is love. Virtually everyone likes to do it doggy-style…Josh and Reveille are THE doggy-style.”

The battle has gotten heated and is splitting the campus along party lines. College Republicans have led protests against the concept of “Manine” marriage. College Democrats staged their own protest in favor of “Manine” marriage by pulling a train on a donkey.

The upheaval on the Aggie campus has seriously upset the football team. Kyle Field has been the site of several protests. The team is split, with many of the players arguing before and after plays. Coach Sumlin is at a loss and the effects are showing up in the game and on the scoreboard.

The reason for the epic collapse in the second half of the UCLA game can be traced to a halftime argument wherein key members of the team were overheard to say, “I’ll never play with an animal lover.”

Things are a bit better in the Arkansas side but the Hogs looked lifeless in their 27-10 drubbing at the hands of the TCU Horned Frogs in Fayetteville.

Neither coach can feel comfortable at the moment, but this game can offer some redemption to the winner. It seems as though the Aggies are ready to give up and the Hogs ate ready to show the world that their effort against the Frogs was an anomaly.

The game is in Dallas, so it’s basically a home game for the Aggies. Vegas has A&M as a 2.5 point favorite. The Hogs haven’t enjoyed any success in that building since Bobby Petrino careened off a northwest Arkansas highway into a coed volleyball player’s gash.

However, Burt has a tendency to do well when he has a couple of weeks to prepare. The revamped Arkansas defense stymies and frustrates the Aggie offense forcing 2 red zone turnovers. I like the Hogs to not only cover the 2.5, but win the game outright 33-17.

In the aftermath, Coach Sumlin will update his resume. Burt will get a reprieve. And marriage between a collie and a corps of cadet members will quietly become legal in College Station, Texas.