A lot has changed in the year since Arkansas met Texas A&M at the Southwest Classic in Dallas. Kevin Sumlin is on the hot seat.
Donald Trump is President.
And Bobby Petrino is still a dick.
I was barely old enough to read when my father helped a young singer named Tina, get away from some mean dude named Ike. I couldn’t understand why Ike wanted to hit that nice lady. I just knew she was really sweet to me. It was great to hang out with her when we were in Europe this past spring.
For those keeping score at home, last season’s article called “Amber Alert Issued for Revielle,” chronicled the unfortunate coupling of freshmen corps of cadet hopefuls with one Reveille, the collie mascot of Texas A&M. The tradition, which can be traced back to the early sixties, is a rite of passage for anyone aspiring to high office on the campus in College Station.
The folks in Aggieland have learned some things this past year…they learned that true love knows no bounds, that Reveille is actually a female collie, and that pulling out is never a foolproof way to avoid pregnancy…even when f&$kin’ a dog!
Well, Josh McAllen, the disgraced freshman expelled for last year’s hazing incident that sent Reveille to the world famous Cooper Institute of Veterinary Research in Arlington, is now a proud new father. Reveille gave birth to her first, and probably only, litter of pups under the watchful care of Dr. Emil Chwalinski, the world’s foremost expert on human/canine relationships.
Dr. Chwalinski was deported from his homeland of Poland after its was discovered that he was attempting to start his own master race by mating Lithuanians and German Shepherds. Dr. Chwalinski was given refuge and a multi-million dollar grant to pursue his research at Texas A&M.
Both mom and pups are doing well, but the experience rendered Reveille unable to give birth again.
Even though McAllen was expelled from the University after the incident, Texas A&M has sued for custody of the pups.
According to legal documents filed in the state of Texas District Court claim that since the “alleged” incident occurred during a University sponsored event, and the father was “at the time of inception” a corps of cadet candidate, and that Reveille is “owned” by the University, any and all offspring are the de facto property of Texas A&M University.
The ACLU, GLAAD, and Americans for Beastiality have all filed Amicus Briefs opposing the Aggie position. They have asked the court to recognize the marriage of Reveille and McAllen as legal and equivalent to any other marriage.
GLAAD spokeslesbian Joan Ridge said, “Love is love. Virtually everyone likes to do it doggy-style…Josh and Reveille are THE doggy-style.”
The battle has gotten heated and is splitting the campus along party lines. College Republicans have led protests against the concept of “Manine” marriage. College Democrats staged their own protest in favor of “Manine” marriage by pulling a train on a donkey.
The upheaval on the Aggie campus has seriously upset the football team. Kyle Field has been the site of several protests. The team is split, with many of the players arguing before and after plays. Coach Sumlin is at a loss and the effects are showing up in the game and on the scoreboard.
The reason for the epic collapse in the second half of the UCLA game can be traced to a halftime argument wherein key members of the team were overheard to say, “I’ll never play with an animal lover.”
Things are a bit better in the Arkansas side but the Hogs looked lifeless in their 27-10 drubbing at the hands of the TCU Horned Frogs in Fayetteville.
Neither coach can feel comfortable at the moment, but this game can offer some redemption to the winner. It seems as though the Aggies are ready to give up and the Hogs ate ready to show the world that their effort against the Frogs was an anomaly.
The game is in Dallas, so it’s basically a home game for the Aggies. Vegas has A&M as a 2.5 point favorite. The Hogs haven’t enjoyed any success in that building since Bobby Petrino careened off a northwest Arkansas highway into a coed volleyball player’s gash.
However, Burt has a tendency to do well when he has a couple of weeks to prepare. The revamped Arkansas defense stymies and frustrates the Aggie offense forcing 2 red zone turnovers. I like the Hogs to not only cover the 2.5, but win the game outright 33-17.
In the aftermath, Coach Sumlin will update his resume. Burt will get a reprieve. And marriage between a collie and a corps of cadet members will quietly become legal in College Station, Texas.